Me, “_______ Law Firm, this is Attorney James _____.”

Redneck, “Ya, I seen on the TV y’all are suing for the mesh?”

Me, “Yes sir, are you calling about a loved one?”

Redneck, “Nah man, I’m callin’ ‘bout m’self.”

(Pause)

Me, “Sir, you may not have caught this on the commercial, but we are looking for clients who have suffered from the transVAGINAL mesh.”

Redneck, “Ya man, I had that.”

(Longer Pause)

Me, “Sir, the transVAGINAL mesh is only implanted in women to treat pelvic organ prolapse and stress urinary incontinence.”

Redneck, “You sure? Ma doctor told me I had the first thing, that pelva organ thing, and he put a mesh in me.”

(My palm approaches my face at near the speed of light, causing a temporal distortion that makes me think that I am now stuck in this inane conversation for all of eternity.)

Me, “Yes sir, I’m sure that was not what happened to you. Pelvic organ prolapse happens when pelvic organs fall outside of the vagina.”

Redneck, “Thas not what m’ doctor said.”

(At this point, I’m contemplating suicide)

Me, “Sir, we are only taking clients who have at least one vagina. Unfortunately, and unless I’m horribly mistaken about general human anatomy, you have 0 vaginas. Therefore, I am sorry to inform you that you do not meet our 1 vagina per client minimum. Thank you for calling the _________ Law Firm, we cannot help you with your claim, we advise that you seek other counsel.”