I don’t know what to do.

Diagnosed delusional disorder (mood disorder was missed), and then schizoaffective after going to the states twice to see a psychiatrist due to waitlist times in Canada.

The onset was childhood. The persistent delusion has been thought control and fusion with others. Depression occurred at age nine and persisted in an episodic manner.

Could not read as a child and needed a ton of specialized tutoring work. Cognitive scores were uneven when they should not have been.

I didn’t realize my thinking was delusional, nor did I have awareness of my own thinking. It was just an experience that had no words, like unthinkable thoughts.

Had severe delusional episode at 24 that lasted for seven months straight. But when I came out of it, I thought it was a dissociative thing and didn’t realize it was a delusion.

I ended up declining into a severely psychotic state. This got worse until finally I spilled the beans to a psychologist I started to see.

I ended up on a therapeutic dose of an antipsychotic, came out of the delusion, and realized I’ve been fucking delusional for years and traced the delusions back to my childhood.

But my public healthcare record in Canada says BPD schizotypal. My issues can look interpersonal in nature due to the fusion / thought control belief, can look like splitting due to the fact it’s a delusion of persecution, and also I didn’t have insight at the time so didn’t think to tell them what was actually happenings; I’d just believe and perpetuate whatever they seemed to think was the case, due to the delusion other’s control my thoughts.

(The fusion belied also makes me experience “mind reading” where I can hear other’s thoughts in my head or know them - because I can exist as the other person’s mind.)

I saw a psychiatrist at a short stay hospital this year. I had developed a severe stimulant use disorder. I told him about the psychosis, delusions, how the AP took me out of it, and the recent delusional disorder diagnosis.

He said it couldn’t be a psychotic disorder, since if it was, I should be psychotic right then because the stimulants would have negated the AP. So, it was therefore BPD schizotypal and he told me to stop the AP since they weren’t indicated or doing acting.

I was actually psychotic. I just did not realize, and it wasn’t bad enough that I couldn’t mask it so long as no one was looking out for it. He also already beloved it was just BPD schizotypal, which controlled me into acting that way even though I told him about the delusions.

I ended up stopping the AP and was so glad I didn’t have to be on it anymore. I then developed worsening psychosis / delusional thinking and some disorganization. My speech becomes tangential without me meaning to.

I got diagnosed in the states (and shared my record with the OP psychiatrist) with schizoaffective - I was on vacation when I realized I was thinking delusionally, going on tangents to whomever, and too disorganized to leave my hotel room.

Now what? The psychiatrists in Canada (ether hospital or outpatient if I can ever see one) will not believe me again and will control me, and I’ll be stuck within the belief of BPD schizotypal. None of my thoughts are my own; they’re other people’s, like I can hear that it’s their voices acting like my thoughts and making me act like they’re mine.

Why are these psychiatrists in Canada doing that and how do I stop it? They’ll make it worse if I try to get help from them like they want to trap me inside their thoughts forever.