I have been in a steady decline for the past several weeks. It has progressed to some ideation. When this happens, it is confusing, because I do not feel depressed exactly - just distraught to an extreme level and cannot stop the suicidal thoughts.

I associate depression with lethargy and lack of joy whereas my mental health deterioration feels more like some kind of breakdown in which I’m losing my mind, screaming and crying uncontrollably by myself and it’s not quiet or catatonic at all. I start to gradually slip from occasional tears into weeks like this, lose the ability to eat, like I get physically repulsed by food, get so cold that I shiver and tremble constantly in this state. I still find excitement and pleasure in things but the chaos swallows my ability to seek out friends and those experiences.

Klonopin is like a magic bullet. A small dose solves everything temporarily. Does this mean that what I’m experiencing is something other than depression?

I am completely alone, no pets, no family nearby, no partner. Being around other people keeps me sane in the moment but if I’m alone my brain will shift back to this extreme distress and I start getting scared of it. I been diagnosed with PTSD and CPTSD in the past. Long history of anxiety. And if epigenetics play a role, I come from a family with extreme trauma history, probably about as bad as it gets going many generations back in both sides. I’m resilient af but I feel like I’ve gone past some threshold and it’s really not looking good.