Hi,

I’m feeling super overwhelmed and hopeless at this point with my psych medication journey. I have been seeing the same NP psych for 2 years. My original diagnosis - PTSD, anxiety, depression, adhd.

My psychiatrist started with Prozac and mirtazapine, my body didn’t like Prozac. When i am depressed i do not take care of myself which leads to me not being able to get up out of bed to shower or eat. I lost an extreme amount of weight ( 24 F) my depression really hit in 2021 (weight 140) and i began meds in dec. 2022 (weight 110).

Mirtazapine helped with some weight gain but not permanently. I have a super high metabolism and with my job i get my steps in. So we tried some other meds kept mirtazapine my body wasn’t reacting well to the SSRIs she was trying. Got a genesight test- provided some insight, MTHFR gene mutation present, and some answers on why certain meds weren’t working bc they were in my red zone. Labs also showed present ANAs rhuemotologist cannot find any answers.

SO… we landed on Effexor (i wish i had been more educated on meds instead of just trusting whatever she said) and seroquel 25 mg. Felt okay on these for about a year….realized how awful Effexor was when i missed two days of meds and withdrawals hit.

My dr has always made me kind of feel like she doesn’t understand what’s going on with me either, wouldn’t prescribe me adderall until i refused to take any other drugs of her choosing..she tried every single other antistimulant ex: guafacine etc etc. i had horrible side effects of course. So i began to become more frustrated with her overtime and i feel like i began to trust her less and kind fo give up on speaking up for myself.

This summer i hit a breaking point- to be fair i had every right to be emotional but i felt like I didn’t care about anything that was important to me, I drank everyday after work (one-two drinks), barely sleeping, barely eating, working 12 hour days, friendship issues relationship issues arrised. It honestly felt like not a single thing was going right for me, and that’s when i believe I hit hypomania.

I am a pretty calm person overall, i do have attitudes and i am very irritable which i hate this about myself but little things bother me and my mood can change by small triggers. My job involves a lot of talking and I’ve always been somewhat socially anxious it comes in waves though, but i work in an environment where I don’t really act silly and I’m held to a very high standard. My behaviors at work changed immensely during the span of these two weeks- oversharing about my feelings/job/pay/etc etc. I didn’t care about showing up to work late or if i even slept for an hour the night before.

I could feel myself spiraling, had a bad argument with my bf and that is when i hit the last breaking point. When i am upset i cry and cry, i am extremely sensitive and emotional due to my ptsd. I am not angry when my bf and i argue- i just feel like I’m dying inside when my partner is upset at me so times those feelings by 100 that day.

Forgot to mention- i have always wondered if i have a mood disorder but i know I overthink my diagnosis..i always wish i had the answers…brought this up multiple times to my dr she dismissed it and said even if you did it wouldn’t change anything medication wise and she convinced me its the PTSD and she started to be firm in pushing me to therapy 1x weekly. Therapy is stupid- I can’t meditate i have ADHD. Ik meds can only do so much but right now the med journey is overly stressful for me.

When I called my dr. I hysterically cried and told her that i feel awful filled her in and i did admit to not being fully truthful about my argumentative behaviors, and suicide ideas (btw i think of it but i could never actually do it because i would feel bad for people i love). Dr was upset at me for not being honest and i told her i was scared.

She ends up not diagnosing me w a mood disorder that day, wants to meet daily for two weeks changed meds again to calm my mania. I hate starting new meds bc at this point I’m freaked out bc i hate this journey. She ups my seroquel to 50 mg, Effexor to max dose, and a low dose of lithium, she takes my adderall out of the mix which made me so upset because i was actually so dead at work and i could function or pay attention normally with all these drugs increased and me basically sedated at work.

5 days passed i was fine i guess felt calmer but so so sensitive to sunlight my eyes felt awful, awake but asleep. She tapers me back down and I eventually told her i would no longer like to be on Effexor and I’m firm in getting off of this med. she agreed, went down to 25 mg. Plan was to try Prozac again I may have been overthinking it in the beginning she listened agreed but then continued w lithium Effexor seroquel and threw mitrazapine as needed for me to gain weight.

I don’t like lithium its been two weeks i have a constant migraine but idk if that’s also the withdrawals, getting lots of skin pimples- never been an issue, i feel angry inside but I don’t care to actually express it, i feel dull, and like careless about anything that important to me. Told her this today and she decided that i need to continue being on a mood stabilizer….my labs were drawn for the lithium she said my vitamin d is extremely low and liver enzymes were not the best.

She decided my meds as of tomorrow are Latuda 20 mg, lithium 150mg HS, mirtazapine 7.5 HS, adderall IR 2x daily.

I cried when she said all of this i feel so so confused. I don’t know if i trust her, I don’t know if this is for money, my body is not feeling great, I’m just not myself and i just want to feel life in my body again.

Please any advice in what i should do about this? I feel scared and alone. I feel ashamed about who i am and what I’m going through as well because it feels like i am never fun to be around and not who i was before and people notice it.

I don’t understand my diagnosis and I don’t even want to go pick up these drugs, the idea of starting latuda scares me just from google.

Appreciate anyone who reads my story.