HU = Hook up

May nakilala ako sa dating app na I was seeing casually after ending a long-term relationship. Pareho kami healing pa, but we met up because we wanted physical intimacy na walang strings. Not the healthiest way to heal, but it was the way I wanted to process things.

We meet up once a week, mag-check in for 3 hours, then yun lang. We would talk din, sometimes even about our exes, tapos tatawa nalang and would continue hooking up. We've been at it for a month na.

We made plans for our next meet up and I messaged them asking kung tuloy. Walang sagot for 24 hours. Friends kami sa socmed para lang maka-chat kami, so for the first time I checked their timeline.

I realized na the reason di sya sumagot sa message ko was that they died 5 days ago. I saw people posting goodbye messages on their wall, then nahanap ko siblings nya to confirm. When I checked, it happened the day after we met up.

Di ko alam iisipin ko dahil they seemed physically fine the last time. Kumain pa kami after and they seemed light-hearted.

I am filled with guilt na di ko maintindihan. Did I somehow cause their death? Could I have noticed anything para sana masabihan sya?

I know it doesn't matter pero I've been trying to find out through socmed what the cause of death was... I don't know how knowing would change anything.

Do I go to the wake? Di ko alam paano ko iexplain kung bakit ako andun... no one knew about me. Not even their closest friends. I badly want to know what happened pero I'm not sure if I'm asking for the right reasons.

May nakaranas na ba ng ganito? Anong ginawa nyo? Should I go to the wake kahit na 1 month lang kami magkakilala?

Update 1: Salamat sa lahat ng comment. Address ko lang mga questions/comments:

1. I used they/them to hide the person's gender. Some people said alam na daw pag tiningnan daw old posts ko. While it doesn't matter, my pronouns are she/her. I was only talking about 1 person.

2. For those asking me to get tested baka may STD sya... since I date, I get tested regularly sa loveyourself every 3 months and use protection for any sexual contact. I take pills and use condoms. If you haven't gotten tested yet, free lang. Go to the loveyourself website to book your free HIV testing and counseling.

3. And I'm sure curious ang lahat. I already went to the wake this afternoon. The cause of death was a motorvehicular accident in broad daylight. Na-offbalance motorbike nya and na-offroad sya. Di na sya narevive sa hospital.

4. I pretended to be a workfriend and buti alam ko name ng company nya. It was awkward since a lot of the details na sinabi ng tatay and kapatid nya alam ko, but I pretended I didn't know. Sabi ng tatay nya familiar daw name ko, hindi nako nagpry since wala naman na bearing yun. I stayed for just 15 minutes, nagbigay ng abuloy sa kapatid, left, and still cried in my car. They asked for me to come back, I just said, "Sige po" and left. I have no plans of coming back for the funeral.

Salamat sa mga kind comments and sana marami tayong lahat natutunan sa kwento ng isa't isa.

This experience taught me how such casual encounters can turn into huge life lessons. I never saw this person as someone I would seriously date, but the friendship we built was something I needed at the time. I hope they also felt the same way. Rest in peace, my friend.

Update 2:

To the people in my inbox asking if you can replace my HU buddy who just passed away:

Mga walang modo. Mga vulture kayo.

Doon kayo sa mga dating app para makahanap kayo ng gusto nyo. Hindi na nag-gi-grieve yung tao tapos kung ano-ano sinasabi nyo.

Just because we mainly met up for sex doesn't mean I would sleep with just anyone. I actually get to know someone first before I decide if I want to sleep with them or not. And common human decency is the first thing I check.

Which the people in my inbox are sorely lacking.