It's been a strange few months / years leading up to my 40th which is next week. I came from a bit of a shitty back ground and deprived areas in England so my childhood and early adulthood was full of low level crime, drink and drugs. I drank from the age of 15 and throughout the 90's took various drugs because well my mates were doing it. However, I managed to get an apprenticeship at 16 in engineering and I've been with the same company since. I started as a fitter and progressed to an applications engineer on just under 40k a year which isn't bad for the North of England.

I have had 2 serious relationships and the first lasted around 10 years and I've got a wonderful 11 year old boy from it who I see 3 times per week. Because my younger life was basically based around drinking and partying I never managed to save and serious money and I've always rented houses because of this.

Around 5 years ago I split from my son's mum and moved into my own one bed apartment. I stopped smoking, lost over 50lb in weight and drastically reduced my alcholol consumption. I was and still am an alcoholic. I started been more careful with my money and bought a decent car and 2 years ago I went on my first holiday abroad to Italy with my son.

2 years ago I got into a relationship with a younger woman in her 20's. She was stunning but also had some pretty bad personality traits which surfaced and we split 2 months ago. Also around this time I found out my dad was coming back to England after living abroad for 4 years and because his mobility was declining plus he had spent most of his saving he would have to come live with me for a while. So I had to find a bigger place which I did and moved in 2 weeks ago. It's a 3 bed rented bungalow and although it's in a nice area and what I need it wasn't exactly my first choice but I didn't really have much more of a choice. So I now have my dad living with me.

My alcholol consumption isn't as bad as it was but it didn't take much for me to start and then I would binge and find it hard to stop. I joined a gym 2 years ago and I lift 5 nights per week and I look better and feel better than I did when I was in my 20's but my drinking could change this. My ex stopped me drinking when I was with her as she said she would leave me if I drank and when I could see our relationship coming to an end I started attending AA as a preventative measure and I do like going to the meetings and I do believe I'll get a lot out of them and a new way of coping with cravings and urges.

So in the last 2 months my relationship has ended, I've moved into a place I wasn't so excited about, started attending AA and now my 40th is around the corner plus Christmas.

Any one else would probably be thinking about celebrating and getting legless but obviously with my drinking problem and I'm 20 days sober it's not probably wise so I've booked the cinema and a meal for me and my son. Christmas is going to be tough too without drinking but I need to do it.

I'm also thinking about maybe applying for another job and trying to get a more senior position with better money after the new year.

I'm just feeling a little empty and lost. I feel like I'm turning 40 and I should be celebrating but I can't. I'm not worried about getting older as I think I'm in good shape and don't look my age but something doesn't seem right. All my friends are basically closet alcoholics so I've had to cut ties with them and I don't really have a social life now although I am trying. So to see my childhood friends again it would be in a drinking atmosphere.

I think I need some direction in life and to stop worrying about my 40th and Christmas and not been able to get paralytic and concentrate on having a good time with my son. I'm sure once the new year is here I'll feel better.

Sorry for the long post but could do with some advice or hear similar stories.

Thanks.