So I (26f) have spoken to my fiancé (31m) multiple times over the past year about how I would love for porn and masturbation to feel like a chill, low stakes topic in our relationship, and I've said repeatedly that I find it hot when he masturbates, comments on reddit porn, and shows me porn that he's enjoying.

We do participate in a lot of kinky play together, and I share my porn with him frequently. I also masturbate in front of him or openly with him nearby at least half the time.

I realize that he and I are probably coming from different baseline levels of shame and fearfullness around masturbation, and I'm trying the best I can to understand his perspective and be sensitive to his feelings.

What I really want is not so much for him to always include me in his solo sexy time, but just to not feel the need to hide it or be secretive. When I walk into the room and he's looking at porn on his phone, I would really just like for him to continue as if there was no reason to stop, and I've tried so hard to make it clear that there isn't!

Currently, he closes his phone and sets it down or puts it away immediately, and acts like he's been caught or is potentially in trouble. It comes across extremely shady, and makes me feel suspicious and insecure. I feel as though porn is something he wants instead of me, not with me. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and I need him to help me feel more secure by being more open.

One instance last week has me really puzzled: He had just gotten home from work, and was in the bathroom getting ready for a shower. I peeked my head in the door, and he covered himself with his robe and shut his phone off and set it down fast. I obviously knew what was going on. I told him that I had been wanting his cock all day, attempting to present an opportunity for a quickie since he was already naked and hard. My mom was supposed to be coming any minute to drop something off, so we both knew we didn't have much time. He said he didn't think we'd have time to get started and finished, so I opened my mouth in a gesture that I would suck his cock instead. Now, I could have communicated more clearly here by saying something like "OK, then do you want a blow job to get you started and you can finish the job yourself if we run out of time?", but I guess my lack of explanation of my intention lead to a misunderstanding there. Anyways, he ended up just turning me down and told me to just save it for later, and I was reasonably a bit disappointed. After he got out of the shower, I discreetly asked him if he'd had a good time in the shower, and he told me he'd actually completely abandoned the endeavor because he felt guilty... I then felt like I had ruined his hard on and his fun. We never even had sex later that day.

So, where am I going wrong? What could I be doing better or differently? I'm trying so hard to be encouraging, forward, and playful, but it actually feels like it's ruining our sex life. We've gone from daily sexual activity (sometimes multiple times) to stretches of 3 or 4 days in between. I'm not enjoying masturbating alone every night while he's sleeping beside me...