Hi. I'm 23. I have low/no desire to do anything. I've been killing my attention span and willpower for the past 5 years or so. I'll just mention whatever feels relevant in no particular order.

I've always felt a bit different socially speaking, I noticed this when I started high school. I didn't really do anything outside of class. I repeated high school year three times. I used to randomly screm in class a few times every day, I stopped around 16yo. I also ate paper around that period and later on. Paper, napkins.

Outisde school I spent my whole day online playing games, scrolling, masturbating to pornography, eating junk food. I still do.

So as I kept failing and being kind of socially awkward, by 2020 I had really isolated myself. I was 20. Started smoking and loving weed, smoked like a gram per day, stopped, started again, etc. From that point onwards up until today I went hard on the degeneration, I had no school now which meant more free time to play, masturbate, scroll, etc. Drugs were a plus. Fantasizing about girls giving me attention. But that was the extent of it, fantasy. Daydreaming about building social circles, doing stuff.

Not long ago I had quite a realization, an epiphany if you will, that showed me how much repressed emotions I had. I always thought I was "just a loser", "just low self esteem dude", "just awkward with people" etc etc but that day I understood it's not a random thing, we are shaped by our childhood. I realized my father figures were on the abusive side. I lived with fear in my own home since 10/11 years of age and obviously learned to repress that and live with it, pretending I wasn't afraid of my dad. But it's all there, I resent my family for not doing much against it, I'm awkward with people, I don't seem to get them. My empathy is so low but on the rare occasion I manage to ignore my coping mechanisms, I burst out crying. I have so much repressed anxiety ANGER, shame, guilt, etc.

I just KNOW that underneath all the repressed stuff is something good, I remember feeling more energized, smarter, more clarity in my brain, charismatic, funny, etc etc. I had a few good days where the baggage was dropped and I felt like this and Realized it was my actual true self, my nature. But the energy quickly drops, I suppose that it all goes into sheltering my ego from the repressed trauma/emotions.

I'm very selfish (and yet, like with the rest of problems, I feel this conflicts with me because deep down I don't belueve myself to be selfish, I help out and act from my heart when I'm on my rare "good days"), rarely doing things for others, always thinking about how I look, how my actions look, to appear confident, etc. I struggle to see women as anything but sexual creatures, constantly craving their validation and attention (not necessarily sexual).

I don't feel like I know myself. I've always felt my connections with people were superficial and now I know it's because my connection with myself is superficial. I'm just not there.

I could go on but I think this enough lol. So to get to the point of this post:

I'm not doing what I know can help me. This realization about having tons of repressed emotions showed me that it'd be a very good first step to start therapy, psychoanalytic and/or somatic (The Body Keeps The Score stuff always made sense to me), and go from there but I'm just NOT doing it. I keep saying aight this week I'll definitely look up good professionals close by and visit a few to start the process of finding one I like, but no. I spend the day scrolling youtube, twitter, reddit, etc. Playing game, pornography, cigarette.

I know meditation can help but God forbid I spend any anount of time without stimulation. I'm getting more and more irritated by my family when they ask for stuff, which has taught them to leave me alone in my room which breaks my heart. But I cringe and resist opening up to them.

I crave compassion from outside, like some benevolent stranger showing they understand me and that they believe in me, knowing I can heal and grow. Is this actually my desire for SELF compassion projected onto other people?

I'm just tired. I know I CAN keep going like this, I'll just really regret it, but right now I can avoid that feeling because I still "have time". I've always fantasized about that, "having time" and turning into a winner... But next week. Or next month, right now I just keep watching YouTube and playing Brawl Stars.

I know that despising this behaviours and just brute-forcing my way out of procrastination is not the way, that's why I consider some kind of therapy to be the first step I should take.