I spent the majority of 2021 in rehab or a psychiatric facility. I got some good help and made some good progress. I used the gym to replace bad habits. Emotional output/ purpose/ direction/ identity/ even just something to fill my hours. Even was studying to be a personal trainer.

A bit over a year ago I got an MRI and was diagnosed with two bulging disks and two herniated disks. The pain got pretty unbearable at the time so I started smoking weed again. Then got told by a doctor I won’t be able to be a personal trainer, so I dropped it. I just kinda dropped everything and gave up.

This year has been a weird mix of trying desperately to keep my head above water, the whole time steadily regressing. Slowly just shit got worse and worse and I gave up more and more. Gradually stopped going to the gym which just made the pain worse, diet and sleep got worse, got kinda withdrew and recently even relapsed and started drinking again.

Now I am faced with, my family and my girlfriend are really urging me to go to hospital. I know it is the right thing to do and the best thing for me but I am really struggling to convince myself to get there. I have been to hospital before and it is the fucking pits. Truly a shit environment to be in, especially while going through withdrawals. I would be lying myself if I didn’t admit they’re a big part of me that is scared of change and scared of everything that come with getting sober. I’ve spent so long just regressing I don’t know if it’s even possible to get better, I don’t even know if I want to get better.

Other times I have been in hospital I have been so unwell it was just out of my hands, but this this it’s completely up to me, just really hard to get myself to pull that trigger and take the jump again.

The appointed time for hospital is 9:30 tomorrow morning and gotta be sober. I really do want to go and really have no other option but I seem content to just let myself rot away. I have trying to convince myself in going to hospital but I just keep going back and forth.

Just wondering if anyone knows I I could just friggin get myself there in the morning?