DH (M24) and I (F24) have been NC/LC with my ILs for a little over a year. We have been taking space from them because DH has had no interest in trying to mend the relationship with them as it has been miserable attempting to in the past. He has been on their medical insurance since we aren’t 26 yet and is still able to be covered by them and their insurance policy is very good. it doesn’t add to their costs as they have 2 other children. We were considering getting our own insurance under my employer but it is very expensive and we aren’t sure we can afford $500 a month. He is unemployed but “wishes he had a job and it’s so unfair he hasn’t been hired”. We have considered independent medical insurance to pay just for him as my employers insurance would me for myself a a spouse but we haven’t looked into independent insurance yet. We were talking and think this might be an appropriate time to break NC, work on the relationships again, and discuss him staying on their insurance. My husband had medication he needs so this is important. He isn’t open to a relationship with his mom, only his dad. His dad is the only one working to support his parents so FIL would be providing the insurance coverage. He is worried about not getting respect as they have broken many boundaries in the past and manipulated us into many uncomfortable positions. There are a few things we are considering:

We live in the US and are scared of what the Trump presidency will look like. His family aligns with us politically so having more support there would be great. But in the past this hasn’t been the case because normal interactions were set up with their goal of controlling our decisions. They seem to want to present as loving and supporting but behind closed doors, the values don’t align.

This is our last year to benefit from being on parents insurance plans are would rather save money as we enter a recession.

DH gets stomachaches just thinking about them because of unprocessed trauma. He has been seeing a therapist for 2 years and I haven’t seem much improvement with his trauma. He was seeing a 2nd therapist for a little bit and I don’t see any confidence building, and I worry there has been fear building over this time.

I am supporting us financially and I already feel the effects of financial stress and can’t imagine surviving with $500 less each month. How can DH develop his confidence to stand in his authenticity towards his parents? From what I see, no one in the family stands up to MIL because if they do even a little bit hell breaks loose. I think if DH could stand up for his true self they would respect him more. But because they were raised to “respect their elders wisdom” DH has a huge crippling fear of conflict, disagreement and experiences almost constant overwhelm. It makes it really difficult to have conversations about our financial plans and our future planning because he freezes up.

He said he needs time to heal but I fear we have run out of time and we have to make important decisions for our life and I feel alone in doing so. And i feel a lot of pressure to keep my shit together so we don’t end up without a home or food. He has been unemployed for 1 1/2 years working on his mental health. I don’t want to put him in an inpatient facility because I don’t think that’s what he needs. He struggles with doing chores and wanting to reach out to people in his life. When he finds things overwhelming he has this gift of ignoring the problem until it becomes too massive to ignore. His parents have instilled such deep fear into him and the space away from them is not not healing this fear. I am weary of the therapist he is working with now as not much has helped with his executive disfunction or with his trauma. He seems to like this therapist but I worry it is because she just listens and doesn’t provide push back to challenge him. He tells me about all this casual stuff they talk about and never really gets deep about his emotional growth.

How do I support my husband with his constant overwhelm and mental health needs while acting as the manager of our home, financials, and social lives?

TL;DR we are NC from my ILs because of suffering mental health and are considering breaking NC due to health insurance needs. DH needs to stay on his dad’s health insurance because we can’t afford our own in our one income household.