We all know the feeling. Someone has asked the burning question of whether Charlemagne wore sexy underwear, and you click through only to find a sea of [removed] and exasperated mod comments pointing out for the fifteenth time that day that ‘Any underwear that Charlemagne wore would be, by default, sexy’ may be technically correct but is still not an in-depth and comprehensive treatment of the weighty topic of early medieval undergarments.

We feel you, and we’re here to fix it.

Ok, yes, this thread will still be a boundless, tormented ocean of [removed]. But it’ll be on purpose this time.

To celebrate our latest milestone, we promise that we’ll remove any comment you make below. No ifs, no buts. It could be a poetic, polished treatise on the historical method that would make Marcel Bloch weep in his grave – nope, it’s gone, suck it Bloch. It might be sycophantic praise of the mod team, or a bitter diatribe against the very concept of moderation itself – boom, done, deleted either way. Even the most cunning effort to simply post “[removed]” – a gambit that has definitely not been tried at least once by each and every one of those 2 million subscribers – will result in swift, brutal justice.

What do we offer in return for the pleasure of reaping your hard-wrought comments beneath our scythes? We will harken back to simpler, pre-industrial times, before shoddy, mass-produced removal notices became the norm. Rather, we will endeavour to offer a unique artisanal service: each and every comment removed will receive a unique, bespoke removal notice, lovingly handcrafted to fit your removal needs. This will be the farmer’s market of moderation, where the boring, regimented vegetables of our standard notices are replaced by slightly wonky but extra nutritious organic produce, carefully cultivated in our well-manured minds.

But wait – we sense your doubt. How, you ask with your plaintive eyes, could such a small, elite crew of mods even hope to keep up with such a task? How will the AskHistorians moderation team – in normal times a grim, blackened factory line of shoddy, one-size-fits-all removals – even hope to make the switch to artisanal deletions while child labour remains unaccountably illegal? You underestimate our resolve. We have mobilised all our resources – included the forcible volunteering of each and every member of the AskHistorians flair panel. A veritable army of removal-wielding conscripts is ours to command, so long as the commands are very basic and easily intelligible.

So, go forth and comment. Comment once, comment twice, spend all night commenting – it doesn’t matter, because we’re not even going to notice your name as we hack through it with our digital machetes, screaming ‘INK FOR THE INK GOD. COMMENTS FOR THE COMMENT THRONE’.

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^{THE FINE PRINT:}

^{1. Only the first two million comments will receive bespoke removal notices. Comments made after this point will receive a stock cease and desist letter from Reddit’s server techs.}

^{2. While all comments will be removed, we do not guarantee that they will be removed in a prompt and timely manner. This may include de facto removal when Reddit finally runs out of venture capital funding and implodes, leaving everything we all built here lost, like tears in rain.}

^{3. Your bespoke removal is not guaranteed to be funny, unique, worthwhile or bespoke.}

^{4. By posting, you accept that your removal notice may misrepresent or defame your good character. Your only recourse is embracing villainy and becoming that which you are portrayed as being, to maintain the perceived infallibility of the AskHistorians moderation team.}

^{5. Posts made by bots will have their removal notices generated by ChatGPT.}

^{6. While conforming to our rules will have no bearing on whether or not your comment is removed, we will still ban the fuck out of anyone who violates common human decency.}

(Lastly, a very big thank you to u/BuckRowdy who for reasons that remain completely unclear to us decided to very generously offer their time and expertise in making this thread technically possible.)