[TDLR] at bottom

I just don't even know where to start!

It all started out at my quarterly review. Where I knew concerns were going to be raised in regards to some performance problems in the past.

Last summer, I had what I now know was a massive ADHD burnout, and I really struggled to do my job effectively. (I still showed up every day and did stuff. I just wasn't proactive about it)

Once I was kind of on the other side of it, I informed my manager what happened ( I orgiginally thought it was a depressive episode, being undiagnosed thats what I was told it was before.) and told them I was seeking treatment. Which I did. I got officially diagnosed with ADHD and started on a treatment plan. My performance at work has gotten measurably better as I have worked towards finding the right balance of medications.

So, during my review, I referenced what happened and how I have worked to get a treatment plan in place so I can do my job more effectively.

I also took the opportunity to address some parts of my position or my role that made my job difficult to do. And are counterproductive to doing my job well.

I do internal collections for a heavy-duty equipment dealer. I collect money our branches have failed to collect. They are paid a commission even if the invoice never gets paid.

I asked for more money in my salary or an incentive program of sorts as my position is directly responsible for bringing in millions of money we are owed.

I also asked if I could be a work from home employee. (This is already common in the company. We have several 100% from home employees and a number of hybrids)

I said that I knew that some of those may not be on the table right away. But they are something I want.

At this time, I also started tracking exactly the difference my position makes.

This is where the story takes a turn about 2 weeks later. I find out the company is hiring new admin employees at a higher wage than they are paying me. So I write an email to my boss. Hey, following up on our meeting, I haven't heard anything back about my requests or concerns. But I just found out that the company is paying new similarly qualified new employees more than they are paying me. I did the research, and I should be paid X for my position. I would like to talk about making that happen now as I have been a loyal employee for 4 yrs now.

Crickets ... 2 more weeks go by, and I get a bullshit dismissive email back. Saying due to your performance concerns, we will revisit your requests in 6 months.

I see red.... I addressed my performance concerns, both personally, by seeking treatment and professionally by informing them what happened and of my treatment plan. So I wait until I have cooled off and send an email back. Confirming, she is referring to the point last summer, when I informed her of a reoccurance of a mental health problem?

Also, I expected to have been informed of a target or benchmark I needed to reach in order for my requests to be on the table. But I haven't had any follow-up. How am I supposed to prove I am doing my job well if there is no measure or expectation of what I am to do on a daily basis.

I am also only asking for the fair wage right now. The rest of my concerns can be addressed later.

Again... crickets 2 more weeks.

I get a second email completely blowing me off this time. Infering I should be grateful for the wage that I am getting. And that my the money I am bringing into the company is not an accomplishment. It has no reflection on me as an employee because those sales were made by other people.

For reference, I tracked over 2 months. I brought in 1.4m of invoices that were over 120 days. That the branches themselves hadn't been able to collect.

Cue the return of white hot rage, I go to her office directly and I tell her that's not good enough. That they need to do better, that she needs to do better as a manager.

I ask her why they won't consider my requests, and she says that because you are untrustworthy and unreliable. I ask you mean in reference to last summer, and she admits yes.

The second she said that it was no longer about the money, it's about mental health discrimination.

I freely admit I reacted poorly. And in an emotional way.

A few days later, I got called into a meeting with her and HR. It's clear she had told her side of the story ommiting the gaslighting and discrimination.

When I bring them up to the HR person, they are stunned, like this is new information. They turn to her, and she says I shit you not."I have no idea what she's talking about. I never said or did those things. "

And persist to sit there with this dumb look on her face like I don't know what the hell is going on. And every time I say something about something she has done, the HR woman turns to her, and she shruggs her shoulders and says, "I don't know."

Probably not my finest moment. I thanked them for continuing to disregard my concerns completely and walked out of the room.

I ended up going over her and her boss' head and around HR, and I am getting my wage issue addressed. But it still leaves the nagging gaslighting and discrimination issue out there.

I am being encouraged to make peace. But it goes against every fiber of my being.

I took the right steps, I owned my shortcomings, I got diagnosed, and I found a treatment plan that works. I made my expectations and concerns clear. I asked for targets or goals to reach to "prove" myself.

The only thing I can see apologizing for is my poor reactions and becoming emotional in the moment. But even that doesn't feel right. Because I feel like I would be saying it with an Asterix like I'm sorry I got upset, BUT you were gaslighting me. And that's not an apology. I've thought about saying we have to work together for the time being, and I can do that civilly, but I will never trust you again. Nothing I come up with seems like the right approach because at the end of the day, I'm NOT sorry for my part in this. I took the right steps.

[TLDR] I owned up and got treatment for mental health. My boss uses it to gaslight me. And I'm being asked to apologize. It does not feel right to me to apologize.