EDIT: Thank you gentlemen. Your responses have been very helpful. I've realized with your help that I need to work through the pain of deceit and secrecy to move forward. I'm not there yet, but at least I feel like I'm less scattered than before.

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Hi bros.I need your advice.

TL;DR - I don't know if I can handle an open relationship with my partner of 15 years.

My husband and I have been together 15 years. We have been mostly monogamous during that time. We went to a bath house abroad once about 6 years in to the relationship, and hooked up with other guys a few times about 5-6 years ago. During a brief period when we were living on different continents, we both fooled around on chat roulette with randos, back when it was brand new. But other than that, we've been monogamous.

I found out in March that my husband has been jerking off on cam sites (chat roulette, cam4, etc. and now zoom) basically for the entirety of our relationship every time he jerks off. This was a major blow for me. It felt like cheating, that he was having sex with these men by interacting via video. I had asked him in the past what he jerked off to alone, but he was always vague. He has since admitted that he didn't tell me because he assumed I would be upset.

We've been in couples counseling since April. We have/had been making progress. We have been learning to understand each other's sexualities, and provide healthy outlets to explore. We discussed opening our relationship up to again have hook ups together, as a joint experience. We had our first hook ups a little over three weeks ago now. The first one was not good, but the second one was enjoyable.

As for the jerking off via Zoom, I've been trying to work through the pang of sadness, fear and insufficiency that I feel every time he goes on zoom to allow him to have that variety in his sex life that he craves. I've made some progress, but not much. If a partner were caught cheating, but still wanted to make the relationship work, they'd stop seeing the side piece. But my husband does not see the zoom jerk sessions as much different than porn, definitely not cheating, so he does not want to stop. And so I'm left with this frequent reminder of the secrecy and betrayal.

Up until about 3 weeks ago, I was ok with all of this. I felt confident in our relationship and I felt connected with him. Then my husband got sick and pulled away both emotionally and physically while he was ill. He's feeling better now and trying to cuddle and what not again, to go back to our behavior before the illness. However, I am not feeling connected with him now and I'm having trouble getting back to that point of safe intimacy.

During the 3 weeks of his sickness, there was no talk of hooking up or zoom jerk off sessions. It was a very welcome reprieve, a vacation. Now on the other side of this temporary hiatus, I see my whole life ahead of me and am wondering if I can handle the pain that I feel with sharing him with these zoom guys until I die.

I don't know what to do. I love him deeply. I want to be married to him and I want to grow old together. But I just don't know if I can handle the hurt. Will I eventually be able to accept the zoom sessions? Or will I ever grow numb to the pain? Am I being understanding and trying to adjust for the man I love? Or am I being a doormat? This isn't the life I pictured for myself. Has anyone had a similar experience?