I am looking for some advice on how to improve my overall 'value' and therefore have a better experience with gay life in the US. My friend splits this discussion up it into sexual market value (i.e. you are hot enough to sleep with) and dating market value (i.e. I would intro you to my mom and see you long term) so I'm trying to optimise more for the second. However, I wonder if I am positioned to improve the latter?

Guys who have met me in general (outside of the US) say the following: you are handsome and fit, you are good at sex/cuddling (i.e. my sexual market value is good), you are nice/warm/stable (job/mentally stable/no trauma etc), why are you single? I don't have any answer.

Specifically, these are the experiences I'm currently lacking, and would like to experience in 2025:

1. Invited to house party for dinner or similar (not an orgy, although, this is welcome sometimes too haha).

2. Friend group to join on a travel trip somewhere (doesn't need to be Fire Island or PT).

3. Medium dating (i.e. more than a first date) where things get more intimate outside of sex e.g. dancing together, picnic together etc. Basically a guy with a genuine interest in me, not just my body.

I truly believe people will 'adjust' the more they are attracted to you and/or you are what they want and/or they perceive you as 'high value' and/or you fit the beauty standard set by the society that surrounds you. I am therefore trying to understand how I increase my value further in the current US gay scene, and if its even possible to? When I travel, I am received well where I fit more of their beauty standards, and typically also where foreigners/English speaking natives are 'highly valued', I have a completely different experience. Hence I believe what I wrote above is true, and can heavily vary depending on where you live.

I discussed this at length in therapy, and I think fundamentally I'm seen (in their eyes) as someone 'fun / exotic' to be enjoyed 1-2 times, but not considered a serious partner because I don't fit the 'profile' of what someone here would want in a partner long term and/or consider 'dateable/an upgrade' etc. This also leads to exclusion socially because I don't immediately 'fit' pre-built social circles completely. I don't see this as "racism" because in countries where I do fit the standards, any color/race of guy could still value me and treat me differently, and they do. It just depends on the standards set by that society and how people view you.

As a result, I'm constantly reminded of the walls between me and my desires above, by learning about how easily others seem to come by these experiences when they do fit the profile and/or do find someone who sees them as valuable. I feel these through all the small indirect actions from the men I am interacting with through the years e.g. they will hookup with / meet me on non-peak days only, delay the next meeting, agree and then ask for a few hours basically to see if anything 'better' is around, not really follow up via text or make convo to get to know me further, avoid even getting a drink first with me if I'm not offering sex first, avoid dating discussions with me / claim they are not looking for a relationship but then will enter a relationship with someone within months of seeing me, match with me on dating apps but then not engage (or in person offer to date and then not follow through) and so on. All of this just means they are not fundamentally into me, and I have no ego about accepting and saying, but it leaves me in a difficult position in terms of getting the experienced I listed above.

I want to try and do what I can to make the experience better for myself by trying to improve myself, but I'm unsure what I can actively do to make 2025 a success. In therapy I've been told 'try and filter better' but the issue is you don't know what someone is thinking - its when they actually are with you and interact with you do you know how they view you. For example, someone told me 'check their IG and make sure they have a picture with other people of color' or 'ask if they have dated someone of color' before. I did that, and it turns out more of those people who had neither were treating me better lol.

Does anyone have any advice of how I can navigate this situation?