me:

so bro, i was born/raised in london, living in ny now (green card received so no immigration stuff pending) and my parents moved to london in their teens so are fairly integrated like. i'm mixed (middle eastern, south asian) and have a london accent.

my ~10 or so years of hooking up has trended in the following ways. there have been a smaller number of exceptions of course, but like just to present my case basically i'm generalising. what works for me is how i look (tall, exotic, masculine, muscled, vers etc) but this also kinda goes against me also in some ways like.

for some perspective, i rarely get messages on grindr or otherwise (except from pure white bottoms), and its always me reaching out, following up etc. not against it, but definitely not the experience i hear others have. so i am not being 'picky' or 'ignoring someone into me'. for reference, on scruff, i put a nice face / shirtless pic, and the only guys reaching out were out of the state or 60 yo (unfit, white mostly) guys.

here are my observations on a ethnic level:

middle eastern bros: hot in general and nice and generally turns me on (which is no surprise because they look like men I grew up with lol) but usually in the closit/married or out but top only or out and only looking for a 'bro' not a bf type situation. also generally hard to find. for dating i find they tend to date other ME guys only (100% ME, not mixed).

white bros (here i mean british/american 'white') *below 40 ish* bros: usually up to hookup with me because i'm exotic looking, but never date or anything more, not even a drink before the hookup. usually no repeats also because the 'novelty' wears off i assume.

white bros *above 40 ish*: open to a drink and hanging *if a hookup is also guaranteed* but no real commitment or dating beyond that. also they are usually taken / dating someone / married etc. i get a lot of attention from open / taken guys but barely any single ones. for the singles ones, they are usually just looking for something else, which is how i 'fit' but its still just a hookup or two.

white russian/polish bros: seem physically almost 'obsessed' with me, so usually will chase me a bit, but the outcome is the same post-hookup and this is also rare to find.

european bros: depending on the city of origin i get extreme reactions. french/swiss bros almost always block me. spanish bros find me masc etc and will hookup etc with me. german bros are not keen in general on me. and so on. so its hit and miss. but again never a date or something, always just physical stuff.

black bros: usually looking for another black bro, or have not been burned enough by a white bros so still chasing them. so i rarely considered for dating, or even hookups. for the ones that reply, i also find they project their 'surpression' onto me and treat me like 'a back up option' i.e. 'we have the same issues, let's date' rather than 'i am into you, lets date'.

asian (chinese etc) guys: similar experience to the black bros.

asian (indian etc) bros: similar experience to the black bros. also rare to find, usually the hot ones are taken, or back in their home country (unlike middle eastern who are hot in the west too).

latino bros: decent treatment in general, mutual attraction, but sometimes a language barrier (english is the only language i know) and/or once they are integrated into the western culture, they typically are chasing a white guy or another latino.

location is also a factor:

in london, i almost never got blocked (except the french). in new york, i never get blocked when sending just my body pic (80% will 'fire' it on Grindr for example), but when my face is attached i do get blocked (only by white bros, mostly <40) or i will get a "sexy, stud, handsome" etc comment from the bro, only for them to flake or never meet me or chase in any way. so like i've never been 'chased' by someone, at most a casual follow up after months.

when i visited turkey for a holiday i was only there for 3 days and landed 8 dates and multiple guys offering me to hangout with them in bars/clubs and join them (they didn't know i was visiting). it was a completely different experience.

fwiw i get the *same* treatment on apps, as i do sports, parties, any 'outside' location basically. on dating focused apps, like Hinge, literally the same guys will match me, only to then message on Grindr for a hookup. if i say i wanna date, i will be ignored. if i agree to the hookup, it usually happens, but then i'm ignored again. parties guys literally come up to me (and most dont seem drugged up) and ask for my number and chat / dance with me, only for no follow up or anything. if i follow up its basically the usually grindr response.

summary:

after meeting me, i have never been blocked, but do get ignored a fair amount, with follow ups only happening weeks or months later on their side with some excuse i.e. low interest even when i make effort to follow up.

as a result, ive gone on less than 10 first dates in my lifetime as a gay man. several hundred hookups that never went anywhere.

i discussed this in depth in therapy, have shown communication between myself and the individuals in therapy, and like everyone is confused why i am not having better success. i think what my bro said is correct: attraction is subjective, if someone is into you you will know (regardless of race, location etc) and if not, you will also know by the half-assed effort. i completely agree with this. the issue is it seems, based on my experience, no bro has ever actually been into me (for more than sex) and i'm not sure what to do about that?

i also will say 80% of my hookups are not 'pump and dump' we have sex and chat and stuff. so i would say its a bit like a date in its own way and this is also why im confused why things have not progressed.

what next:

do i move to another location? my friend said i would do well in brazil as i'm muscled/fit and my skin color would be normalised there.

do i wait till im older to open up options in the west i.e. fulfil that bit of 'wanting something new'?

do i do some training etc to make someone feel more special in a hookup? because perhaps because i've never felt this, im unable to give out this feeling?

is there some other option i missed bro?