I’m hoping to get some perspective and wisdom from all you fine folks. My partner and I are 39. We’ve been together since college. For most of that time we were the only gay men we knew. We were living together for 3 years as “roommates” even before we came out at 25. We are both straight passing. Sometimes people were surprised or skeptical when we told them we are gay. Up until the age of about 35 we lived as gay people in the straight world, the bit of diversity in the friend group, the office or the family reunion.

Somthing has shifted recently, probably age more than anything. Our straight friends have drifted away as they started having kids. Slowly at first, but recently our very last straight friend had a baby and dropped off too. We still see them occasionally, but the dynamic is very different. Drinking and traveling have turned into schools and parenting anecdotes. We were in similar places in life, early adulthood with its career advancement and finding your place in the world. Now it feels like we are in very different places.

So to branch out and explore what’s next, we have been traveling from our small and very family oriented city to larger cities with gayborhoods like Berlin and NYC, gay retirement and beach destinations like Ft. Lauderdale and Sitges. We have also been meeting more gay men on these trips, sometimes to chat over drinks, sometimes for sex.

This leaves us both wondering, do gay men naturally gravitate to gay communities as they age? Do gay men over 40 have a place in the straight world? It feels like the straight world offered us gay marriage and kids as the answer. Both of those things feel like a bit of a false promise, monogamous lifetime contract has always felt a little off, both of us children of divorce and we have been enjoying opening our relationship. It feels like our relationship could last a lifetime, but I don’t think we’ve ever felt it must. We are independent men capable of handling our own shit. I don’t think we are the only men who have created their own version of partnership that would make the straights eyes bug out.

So anyway, we are in Torremolinos now if anyone wants to offer response in person:)