We’ve all seen the question floating around — how do I reconcile with jealousy? It seems to be the most commonly asked and the most difficult to work through.

I am no exception to this. My husband and I recently opened our marriage. After being together 13 years, I really have no jealousy or concerns — or so I thought.

Last night, my husband had his first experience with someone without me. It seems to have become something I cannot stop thinking about and I do find myself feeling uncomfortable. In the throes of horniness, I can get off to him being with other guys and coming back home to me. However, when “post-nut clarity” sets in, I find that “jealousy” start to creep in.

I understand jealousy is not really an emotion, but more so a blanket description that could encompass several potential feelings. Before entering this Open phase of our relationship, I was able to pinpoint what I would struggle with most regarding the proverbial “jealousy” — envy and FOMO. I was prepared to combat this in my mind, but now I’m not so sure.

I am able to work through and reason things in my head pretty effectively. I find myself asking the questions “was he bigger than me?” (Who cares, though?). “Did you like sucking his dick more than mine?” (After all you probably see sucking mine as more routine and his as new and novel.) “Would you have pursued this with me given the chance, if I weren’t out with a friend last night?” (But being with a friend should be sufficient enough for me to have a good time on my own, right?)

I recognize my feelings are inconsequential to the relationship (sexually or emotionally) between him and I. I can justify to myself why these feelings are illegitimate and silly. I don’t have doubts on the strength of our relationship.

I’ve been able to identify my biggest issues:

1 - Feelings of Envy and FOMO — Whereas I know they’re silly and I can combat them in my mind, their strength doesn’t seem to diminish.

2 - Competition — I seem to compare myself to the other guy(s). Even hearing they’re not as endowed as me doesn’t assist in moving beyond that. What if his desire for them eventually surpasses his desire for me?

3 - Confusion & Shame — Whereas I can get turned on by these ideas in fantasy, acting upon it brings a bit of a different reality. Subsequently, I feel 2 kinds of shame: Shame for my desires surrounding it when aroused, and then shame for not being as into the idea when not-aroused. I get some things belong in fantasy and others in reality, but even were I to keep it in fantasy-only, I still feel shame surrounding that turn on.

Let me be clear, I want to be open as well. I reject the fact that I ”should” just become monogamous again as a solution. All ENM Relationships have jealousy at some point or another, even if for completely different reasons than mine. This is a natural part of beginning to open a relationship.

My question to you all — how do you effectively combat some of these feelings? Logicality helps with understanding, but not in subsiding the feeling(s). Can you please provide some perspectives that you see or use which maybe I’m not considering?