A lifelong double-edged sword...

1st, allow me to preface, by admitting I'm majorly depressed, and it's taken me weeks to summon the courage to post this. I need to feel connected to an understanding community, so please be considerate. Sigh, I'm Black, 95% gay, male, raised in the hyper religious and racist South, so all the complex Christian guilt/ shame. Additionally, I'm a lifelong chubby chaser, which is more than ok, in the obese South, so long as you're cis hetero. Now, the crux, of concern; I adore and prefer chubby men, who are bottom-heavy/pear- shaped/bell- bottomed. Since moving to Tx., I've noticed that, for as yet unknown reasons, if I'm attracted to that very specific build of man, the probability that he's super-straight is absurdly high. Being a top, further confounds my prospects. I see scads of social media tops, verses & bottoms regaling their DL, trans, "traps", & random cruising encounters, none of which has ever benefited me any fun. And. I've. TRIED! Hell, even the spiritual leadership, from my childhood hometown, got more gay action than me. I always lead, with sincerest honesty, (i.e. no games) but after years of consistent "I'm straight" or " I ain't with THAT" rejection, I'm convinced I'm cursed, suffering the epitome of a "1 of 1" issue. I used to be so internally- excited, about the beauty my eyes beheld. I don't want to be attracted to hetero bros., but when out in public, I can only glean so much info., before deciding whether to interact. I'm afraid to bring this to my therapist, b/c societal fat phobia, and puritanical morals/ "normalcy". Am I truly alone?