This is going to sound kind of pathetic but thought there might be some who could offer insight

Almost seventeen years ago I had a straight roommate I met through mutual friends. He and I had similar interests, sense of humor, backgrounds etc and very quickly became good friends and inseparable. He kind of became my shadow going everywhere I went with my friends and family becoming his friends and family as well. Almost every night we’d make dinner together, often end up sitting close on the couch at the end of the evening to watch a movie or tv, and then both say good night and that we loved one another before going to bed in separate rooms.

During the time we lived together he would occasionally ask me questions about being gay or playfully tease me about it, nothing mean spirited but just bring it up in ways to get a mutual laugh. One night I was making dinner for us and during some playful back and forth he mentioned he had a big dick. I might have rolled my eyes and said I doubted him but he unbuttoned his pants, pulled it out and showed it to me. While I appreciated seeing it then it changed the dynamic of our relationship. I became obsessed with him and his big dick. Our playful back and forth would often lead back to his dick and I’d mention wanting to see it again, which he obliged a couple times but over time it got awkward and he became more distant from me toward the end of our time living together.

Fast forward to today and we haven’t lived together for almost fifteen years. He moved out of our apartment to the other side of the country to pursue a PHD. We’ve stayed in touch, chat on socials almost daily about what’s going on in life, send memes to one another and have a pleasant online relationship. When we’re both going through tough things we reach out to one another. He has written a couple books about his interests and studies and has referred to me in them as his best friend. He’s still single, though dated a couple girls over the years.

Ever since living with him, almost all my sexual fantasies involve him. The FWBs I’ve chosen over the years have mostly been well endowed men who looked similar to him and I end up fantasizing about him when we’re playing. I even met and married a similar looking guy almost nine years ago and feel some shame in admitting I’m often fantasizing about my former roommate when I’m having sex with my husband.

In some ways I can see this as harmless but it does kind of bother me that there’s this fantasy I am living with that neither my friend or my husband know about. I don’t think any good would come of me mentioning it to either of them but I also feel kinda stuck in the past obsessing about this guy who I lived with and I guess loved years ago. In some ways he feels like an ex I haven’t gotten over despite not really being a couple or sexually intertwined in the conventional sense. He and I care about one another so I’m hesitant to cut him out of my life but my emotional connection to him is a strange secret one. Sometimes it’s not a big deal, other times I want to throw everything in my life away and move to be closer to him again. We’ve both discussed that it would be great to be geographically closer to one another but our lives are very different now.

It’s late in the evening where I am so I’m kind of spilling my secrets here. However I’m interested in some unbiased perspective if you’ve read this far into my blah blah blah. I know there’s no future there with this friend but I do miss his companionship and I guess even the yearning for his dick. It’s a very strange life experience I haven’t gotten over I guess. Blah.