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I’ve struggled with my body and looks for as long as I can remember. I was a heavier kid growing up. Weighed 140lbs by time I was 9. I dropped weight in HS/college. Then gained even more back after graduating. Aside from my weight, I’m 5’6. This fact is perhaps my greatest insecurity. To top all of that off, I’m black but unfortunately do not live up to certain stereotypes about us. Unfortunately, I’m aggressively average in that department.
It just feels like I didn’t get anything from the genetic auction. It would be nice to have at least gotten something.
During the lockdown, I started working out again and lost about 45lbs and put on muscle. Mostly people would say and have said this is a good thing. In fact, most would say my physique is in the top 10% of where I live. (Central VA so not saying much) However, I can’t help but fixate on all the things I still don’t like. I also regret gaining the muscle because now I’m way too thick/wide for my height. But I’ve never been a slim build which would make way more sense with my height deficiency.
I know all this sounds silly and childish and I should just grow up. But it’s been something I’ve struggled with for so long and no change I’ve made seems to help. I know I should just accept my lot but it’s hard seeing people who won the genetic lottery. I’m significantly shorter than just about everyone I know. So many times I’ve heard conversations about how gorgeous one of my friends are. I don’t wanna be jealous but I am. Which is probably the most unappealing thing about me.
Like I said, most people look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about this. And I get it. But it doesn’t make it any less painful for me. I’m not really looking for anything just venting to random internet strangers. Had a bad day and started discussing my insecurities with someone only to get shut down again. So here I am.
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- 9 months ago
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