We have been dating for over two years and have been talking about wanting to move in together and the potential of getting married and having kids eventually.

I already knew that she felt insecure about her boob size and she had mentioned in the past the thought of getting breast implants. She has also talked about wanting a nose job. In the past when this came up I emphasized how I think she looks beautiful how she is, and she would say how she’s always disliked those features about herself and had hoped her boobs would get bigger as she got older but they haven’t.

This topic hadn’t come up for a year or so until recently when she mentioned wanting a boob job. I told her that (on top of thinking she’s beautiful and shouldn’t want to change anything in the first place) what’s mostly concerning to me is the fact that she values physical features like boob size or nose shape enough to pay money to undergo surgery to change them. I asked her what she would tell a hypothetical daughter if she felt insecure about having small boobs. She said she would tell her daughter that if she continued to feel that way when she was older she could get surgery — nothing about challenging the societal pressure to look a certain way, or emphasizing that there’s nothing she should want to change.

She told me, “Looks DO matter, especially for women.” By which she means that the unfortunate truth is that people (mostly women) are treated better or worse based on their appearance. It’s this that is the main concern for me. I don’t want to raise my children with the philosophy that they must conform to societal beauty expectations to succeed.

I also recognize that I’m a man and a lot of this stuff is easier said than done. That’s why I’m posting. I’m very interested to hear people’s thoughts about this.

PS I feel like it’s relevant to also say that she’s black (I’m white), so, particularly with the nose thing, it’s also a question of white beauty standards.

EDIT: I want to clarify some things since I keep getting similar responses that seem to be misinterpreting what I mean.

This isn’t about controlling if she does or doesn’t get plastic surgery. It’s about sharing the same values. I mentioned having kids because I want to be very deliberate with the values I instill in the children I hope to one day have.

I’ve gotten some replies suggesting that if I’m turning to Reddit to settle an argument, then we should just break up. Honestly it’s kinda funny seeing these, since it’s become a bit of a meme that people on Reddit always jump to telling people to break up or get divorced, and this is the first time it’s happened to me. I should clarify that this has never been an argument or fight between us. It’s just a conversation we had that I wanted new perspectives on.

A lot of people are commenting “her body her choice.” I never meant to imply that I think I should be making decisions for her and her body. I am only concerned because I think it is incongruent with my values and the values I would want to teach my hypothetical children. It’s my understanding that the vast majority of feminist writers and academics disagree with “choice feminism,” the idea that any choice a woman makes for herself/her body is a feminist choice. It is still possible for women to make choices which perpetuate patriarchal attitudes. I made this post to ask about the feminist/woman’s perspective on the practicality of this issue that I don’t have any first-hand experience with. If you still want to reply to this point, I do want to understand the experiences that lead people to get plastic surgery. I don’t find it helpful when people just say that as a man I have to accept whatever a woman says without trying to understand first.