Not sure if I'm asexual or not? I decided long ago that I'm demisexual but now I'm not too sure. Lemme explain!

About 4 years ago I was in a FWB relationship with my guy friend Sean.* He told me many times that he was only wanting sex & fun from this arrangement & didn't want to be in a relationship. So, I was def in love with him & thought if I treated him amazingly he would fall for me, too. That didn't happen, lol. Not sure why I thought I could get it to happen? What did happen was we fooled around many times & had protected sex. I liked it, but never orgasmed from it. I normally faked bc I wanted it to be over! It wasn't good for me the whole time we were sleeping together. He never went down on me but expected me to go down on him every time, before we'd have sex. I was def either a switch or a sub then! Now, that its been 4 years of abstinence I realize I'm a bit different, maybe a domme now?

Anyway, Sean* broke off our thing 4 months in after a night we had unprotected sex. The next day he was VERY nervous & told me to get a pregnancy test bc he was worried he got me pregnant. I know my body, & I've been on Nexplanon for years now so I was for sure that I wasn't. But to ease his mind, I got 2 & tested negative on both.

Fast forward 3 or 4 weeks of not hearing from him. He called me one night after not speaking for a long time & asked if he could come over to show me something amazing? I thought I was gonna get laid, so I showered & put on makeup & perfume. He came over & tossed 3 pregnancy tests on my desk. They were all positive. He shouted "THE LOVE OF MY LIFE & I ARE PREGNANT!" I was literally shook. How do you fall in love & get someone pregnant 3 weeks after breaking a FWB thing off with someone else?? What I realize is that he must've been 2 timing me. I mean, who cares, right? Wasn't like we were together. But it really hurt me. What happened next threw me for a loop I still can't seem to get out of.... He told me he wanted me to be the unborn babies God Mother & his new gf's best friend but only under one condition..... I couldn't let on to her that he & I ever were intimate.

This broke me! But I stupidly did it bc I was in love with him & the ultimatum was for us to no longer be friends. So I did the dumb thing & lied to this poor girl for 2 years. It was AWFUL. Every time she left us alone, I felt so guilty. Well, every time they'd fight he'd come here but make me lie & tell her he wasn't here. But after awhile I started feeling super guilty & bad for lying to her. We had become really GREAT friends but it hurt me bc it was all based on this huge ugly lie. I ended up telling her a year ago in the fall. They were fighting & I was also not talking to him & she asked me, so I sighed & told her the truth. She told me I'm the reason her son won't have a father growing up. She told me I'm the reason her son is slow. She told me I'm the reason she won't forgive Sean*. It was an awful night, but it felt amazing to let go of that lie.

He was mad at me for a few months but eventually got over it. They haven't dated in a few years now but I know I'm not the reason they're not together or the reason their son is slow. That's a bunch of BS.

Anyway, I've been completely abstinent since this all happened. Don't masturbate either. Not sure why tho? I think I hate men bc I ALWAYS get hurt? Might also be asexual? Can you be asexual from men hurting you constantly? Can you change from demi to ace from something like this happening? I am on dating sights & play World of Warcraft/have friends on there who are hot & I am also a pro cuddler on cuddle comfort but I have no desire to be intimate with anyone! I want to have a sex drive & fool around with people bc it's exciting but so many things have changed or are uncertain for me now!

I am also bipolar & on a lot of psych meds. I went off my Latuda for 2 months awhile ago, which I thought what was curbing my sex drive but nothing happened. I only gained a few random sex dreams. But didn't get aroused when I tried to stimulate certain areas of my body or anything, nothing seemed to work. Not sure if its my Gabapentin or if I really just hate men/am asexual. I really need some answers, I'm going a bit crazy here! I'm 38 ain't getting any younger. I want to enjoy life & have sex before I start menopause.

One thing I do know for my future sex life is I'm gonna demand foreplay. None of that shit where I fake, either. I'm just going to try to be patient & wait to get off. But I def think I'm more on the domme side now that I feel this way about men. Maybe? Maybe not. I guess I won't know till I try to be intimate with someone!

Do ya'll think I'm Ace or just a man hater? I need some insight, here! Thanks for reading! :)