Okay let me give some context.

I was on the phone with my best friend and I was sharing with them how lately I've been really thinking about my sexuality and well my identity as a whole. I mentioned to them that I am sexually attracted to people - fictional and celebrity crushes. The idea and the fantasy of sex is a turn on for me.

However when I really think about it, the few times I've had sex I've been kinda turned off by looking at my partners genitals. I've also been turned off and never really in the moment with them either. I have a freeze response and I don't normally say what I want to say during sex. (Also there was some traumatic stuff that happened to me as a child surrounding sex which is why I have a freeze response. I'm in therapy working on healing from it)

Not only that but you know that TikTok trend that happened where partners walked in on their own partner to see their reaction to them naked? That thought makes my nose wrinkle and I feel disgusted at the thought of seeing another's genitalia. I mentioned to my friend that apart of me would want to make jokes and joke around if that happened to me but I know that someone could instantly be offended or get hurt by my jokes. Overall in that situtation not only would I feel incredibly uncomfortable but I would make a disgusted face.

Finally, I mentioned to my friend that I don't have any problem with chests or butts it's just what's in between someone's legs that really grosses me out. I gave them the picture of if everyone in the world was like a mannequin where everything but the genitalia was on them I would extremely comfortable in the world.

But like I mentioned in the beginning I find myself fantasizing about the idea of having sex with someone and all the things I would want to do during sex as a huge turn on. Whether that person is fictional or not.

My friend mentioned to me that it sounded like I was ace but my understanding of asexuality is someone not being interested in sex at all. So I'm extremely confused by my own sexual identity and I've been trying to research online to find if anyone relates or is in the similar position but I haven't found much of anything yet.