Update: thank you everyone for your kind and supportive comments. Arrived home safe and sound but isolating in a room for 5 days. My mum kindly did up the room for me, got snacks ready. I do appreciate it. My dad bought me one of my favourite meals. I’m open to the idea that maybe things will be okay for the duration i’ll be here. Maybe my older brother spoke to my mum about my concerns and she’s being respectful of me being an adult. I still will have a low tolerance for BS (CNY is coming up and shit always goes down) and will consider flying home earlier. But for the next 5 days, i’m just going to try and chill with the space i’ve been given (and hopefully not have gotten covid during my travels).

Have been working abroad and not seeing my APs for 2 years using covid and work as the reason. I am fucking terrified. Like, i know i’m an adult, i can choose to not travel home. I’ve a few weeks off work that i wanted to use to relax. Recently had to say goodbye to someone i love (break up but not really, its complicated) so the idea initially when i decided to go home was to relax, unwind, take time to not think about work and relationships, focus on me. Then as the days approached, i remember all the emotional manipulation, remember all the times i had to pretend to be okay or when i got yelled at for crying, or ignored or given the cold shoulder for shopping at a pace too quick for my mum’s liking, my dad being proud of me being a doctor (not my initial choice) but aside from that, wouldn’t really be bothered with me, only rubbing in my face and everyone else that his daughter is a doctor (and look working through a pandemic has me stressed out, i don’t want to regale him with tales of my adventures, i just want to chill the fuck out), the time my mum burst through the bathroom door while i was taking a shower (i was in my early 20s), my mum making fun of me in public, my mum having fights with my dad and me being the mediator as a child or having to “be a good girl and go for dinner with mum and dad because mummy wants to eat out but doesnt want to do just with dad alone, be a good girl” and a good girl means sitting there pretending that my family is perfect when in fact my parents haven’t spoken to each other in days and without me, all hell breaks loose (this happened while i was still in secondary school) and a lot more shit. My reasons for going home is literal distance to help me calm down from the breakup, to see my nephews and to absolve myself of future guilt and guilt shaming if i choose not to visit my parents for another 2 years. I’m typing this at the airport. Someone pray for my soul.