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Hello.I just want to get it off my chest. there are so many things that my asian parents have done that have frustrated me to the very core of my bone but I'm not allowed to say anything back. I'm in my twenties, still can't do anything right, still being criticized. I do love my parents, i know they've sacrificed a lot for me, I always try to understand them, to tell myself that they are the way they are because of the difficult lives they've had and to overlook everything they say and do that hurts me but honestly, I am still so angry and I think I will always be angry deep down inside.

My mother and father have a difficult relationship. Dad cheated on mom multiple times (secret family still around hush hush no one else knows, pretend like they dont exist, we still have our perfect lives). This really hurt my mom naturally. She didnt want to let the other woman win. How you might ask? By making sure I'd be better than the other kid, academically-wise specifically. I remember distinctively, when I was 8, I got a bad grade on some math test. On the car ride home, my mom cried because I did so badly. Whenever, mom and dad got into a fight, she'd go to her sister's place, bringing me along, and I was always reminded that my mom worked so hard in her life and her marriage and that I should be grateful and make her proud. On the surface, you'd think, yeah that sounds about right, what's wrong with that? I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. I internalized that, made it my goal. If I did well enough, succeeded well enough, made my mom proud, showed my dad that our side of the family is "winning", he should love us more, love my mom more, love me over the other kid. But that depleted me of any sense of who I am as a person. I am only a soldier in a battle I did not ask to be in. If i didnt do well, the guilt I would feel, my mom wouldnt make it any better, she'd compare me to the smarter kids in class. "Why cant you be more like so and so?" Similarly to many other mothers mentioned in this reddit group, my mother has a very sharp tongue, gives very little thoughts to the words she speaks and has no idea how much hurt her words can do. As a teenager, I had many social issues. I would bring them up to my mum since we were close and I depended on her as any child would for support. I basically get told to shut up and grow up, stop crying, why do you keep crying? cry! cry! cry! for what? what can crying do? (translation: try more practical solutions but my interpretation as a child/teen was: stop crying because you're weak). I had mood issues growing up as well, and I got told by my mom that no ones wants to be around me because of my mood issues. So guess what, even at home, I am not allowed to show any sort of negative emotion. I have to find places to hide and cry in silence. Or bear the consequences of being berated for crying. other instances of my mom's unique sense of humour: insulting her children in front of others and making herself a saint. In front of her friends and our relatives, she would mention all the things I cannot do or cannot do RIGHT. Her friends/relatives would continue to ask me why, why didnt i learn? why dont i practice? you know your mom does so much for you right? And happily, my mom listens, smiles and agrees. Its my fault I cant do things right. Its my fault things arent going right. Whenever she was proven correct about something, she would gloat in my face "SeeeEEEeeeEEE... I told you so" in front of whoever was present. Once i got something right and told her, "see.." and the immediate death glare I got from her. Once as a child I asked my mom if she hated me. Yes. She did hate me whenever I do not listen to her. HATE, dear redditors, is a strong word for a child. When I did something wrong, when I did something incorrectly, made her mad, caught her on a bad day, annoyed her, she wouldnt talk to me. SHe would ignore me. I would grovel and beg for her forgiveness. I literally begged. My sibilings would tease me saying mom doesnt love me. (FYI why my siblings weren;t compared to the other kid was because I was the same age and gender as the other kid). At 16, i tried to cut myself with scissors because I was furious at my mom after an argument that I should have known I would never win. I freaked out and told my mom. She said "next time, I'll leave a knife at where the scissors is, we'll see what you'll do then".

My dad. I used to admire him when I was very much younger. then when I understood things a little better about how he cheated on my mom, how he had another kid, how that kid was an angel (he said that to my mom), oh how i was furious. I was very distant from him throughout most of my childhood and my teen years because of this. This did cause more friction between my parents because my dad claimed my mom "stole" me, brought me to her side. My dad, urgh, i dont even want to go into the things he says, the mentality he has, how sometimes so malicious his words are against people he thinks are worthless (drug addicts, stupid people etc) when he's no saint himself. He built up wealth for himself, is hard-working and good family values, but sometimes I fear he's not right up in the head. he doesn't listen to doctors about his health but commits to a year-long diet fad that he heard from a friend of his. the diet was based of some unproven research with no clear established results. my dad hears what he wants to hear and calls everything else BS, no matter how many facts you throw at him. My biggest fear about him was and still is his mental stability and him having a gun for his own safety's sake and our family's sake (my dad is a businessman, i shudder to think what sort of work he was doing at the time when he thought getting a gun was a good idea). My dad once put his hand on my thigh to show how big my thigh was compared to the width of his hand(while i was sitting down) to subtly let me know that I'm much fatter than I should be (I'm not obese or overweight. My BMI is within a healthy range.) I imagine he must be comparing me to the other angel.

My parents fought often. My siblings studied out of state and were living their own lives while I was caught up in the fighting all my life (since my siblings were much older than me). I was there when mom and dad were on the brink of divorce. I was in the middle of my exams that I was very much keen on doing better than best to help aid in this marital war. I was the middle-person when my mom and dad stop speaking to each other (mom could start giving him the cold shoulder randomly, its up to her mood, nothing has to happen for an episode to start). Once I decided to stop being the middle person, my dad told me he was going on a business trip (he never tells me this sort of info, he'll usually tell my mom and she tells me so that we can sort out dinner plans by ourselves, so i knew that this was his way of saying "tell your mom im going on a business trip"), i didnt tell my mom and soon she was exploding with anger saying hes probably gone off to the other woman's place, it was only until i told her, he was on a business trip to wherever and will be back whenever (how legit i dont know, maybe he did leave to go fuck some other person).did she calm down and ask why didnt he tell her. I dont bloody know, maybe because you gave him the cold shoulder in the first place.

my parents were well known in our community. on community outings, wow, the galls they had to put on a show that everything was so perfect, everything was grand. I watched thinking how fake this all is, i would not be happy with the way they were acting and guess what, I'd be told to stop moping around and stop acting up.

When my parents stopped talking to each other but my mom really wanted to go somewhere for dinner and I was not up for being the middle person the entire dinner, she said "do it for me, just go for me" despite me saying "if you want to go, go on with dad, I dont want to go". "Be a good kid. Help mom". its not even about being there and being the middle person, its managing both their emotions, and their indirect conversations and making sure I keep up the happy facade too because if I dont, my dad will think its mom's fault i'm unhappy, mom will think i'm being a bitch for acting up and give me the cold shoulder or berate me for being ungrateful and I soak up everything like a sponge because all everyone tells me is how lucky I am and how privileged I am.

things are a bit better now. mom and dad have calmed down since they got grandkids (my nieces and nephews). they're still together, sometimes I think because a divorce would be more scandalous and worse than an unhappy marriage. My dad tries to be better, i can tell. My mom still rants to me about all the sort of things my dad doesnt do right. growing up, winning this war and keeping my parents together was imperative. when i grew tired of it all, i literally told my mom just to divorce my dad if shes so unhappy. she didnt want to.

After years of therapy, many secret unsuccessful attempts at trying to kill myself, years of cutting, siblings' support, a mediocre medical degree, difficult life lessons and a new found faith, I'd like to think I'm doing okay. I learned that I am not responsible for mom and dad's emotions and their marriage. they have had tough lives and i do love them and appreciate that they did try their best to give me a better life than they did. I know their intentions are well. I;ve also learned better ways to maneuver around tricky conversations (as to not get into fights with mom and dad when we dont see eye to eye on topics)

I know I ranted on and on about my asian mom and dad. I may never truly be able to forgive them as much as I would like to think I have. I try my best to understand where they're coming from. Most days, I've no anger or strife against them. it is only when old habits (like my mom commenting on everything I cannot do right) do old wounds resurface and the urge to hurt myself, to run away from it all, kicks in again.

Maybe this isnt the right place to post such a heavy topic. Anyways, stay safe out there everyone. if you made it this far down my post, thanks for reading.