Back in July I had a delayed Tea Ceremony with spouse's family members. The only person from my family that can make it is my Great Aunt (mom's aunt), who live a few states away. She is about 70 years old and I had relatively good experience with her before. I should have known that my asian mom has been texting her prior. Ironically, my great out showed me the what's app text from my mom saying: "something is wrong with her, she has mental problem that caused her to be distant, please help me persuade her". Additionally mom also wrote "I am the best mom ever and only wish the best bla bla bla".

It really hurt me to see these texts from my mom. She painted herself as a holy mother and I am the mentally ill person responsible for destroying my family. I have shared about my general depression and anxiety because my Dad AKA her husband wen't BALLISTIC on me for having political difference and growing up in general. I told her the pain and suffering caused by the parents made me have more anxiety and depression. Instead of using this information to better herself and how she is treating me, she just BLAME me. In the past I also have asked for some "space", which my mom kept violated by texting, calling and following me on FB. She doesn't understand that I need time APART from her because she sucks the living force out of me, and I don't have much to begin with.

She cold called me asking why I blocked her and started crying on the phone. She said she wants to get better and have a relationship with me. She complained that this is an expensive international call. In the past she had manipulated me so hard to the edge of panic attack and then IGNORED me. I had to made an international call that cost $200, because she refuse to learn how to Skype or use BBM. Back to the current phone call, because mom is crying, I gave her a chance and confronted her about ONE instance when she really hurt me. I asked her via phone why did she had to compare my entry-level salary with ability to buy BMW (this was 7 years ago). Well she failed this confrontation. She changed the story. In her story, she "told me to save money", and scolded my dad for being hard on me. I told her this recollection is wrong, then she went "well I just forgot, why do you hold grudge etc". The last thing I said to her was "We should not speak anymore", and then I hung up.

I am saddened because my mom verbally said she wants a relationship with me, but she doesn't seem capable of self-awareness. So occasionally I ask myself if it is fair for me to expect an old computer to solve new problems. If my mom is truly not capable of bettering herself, should I forgive her? Should I "try to understand" that she wasn't given enough opportunity/education to be better? My mom was a good mom to a little kid. She can make home, clean and cook, but she can't handle a thinking individual. As soon as her kids become a teenager, the relationship based on fear and control fall apart. She can't grow out of that mindset of using manipulation.

I think about my parents almost everyday. Some good memories of childhood, bad memories of teenage/ adult relationship. I still wish to have my parents back, but I know they never existed. My parents can't accept that I am a thinking adult and I can't accept they are just children who had children.