I often dissociated and isolated myself from others and spent a lot of time alone as a kid and teen - despite being a fairly sociable person who likes hanging out with people - because the people around me were so unsafe. So it was better to keep them at arms length and be alone - and stay safe and protected - rather than hang out with them and risk exposing myself to violence, racism, harassment or abuse. Even if being alone made me really unhappy and depressed, and I craved human interaction and meaningful relationships, I figured that being unhappy and depressed was better than being beaten up or assaulted.

This happened because there wasn’t anyone around me I could really trust with truly protecting and keeping every part of who I am safe. I realized very early in life that if I wanted to be safe and protected from the dangers of the world, the only person who was going to do that was me - because everyone else around me, family, friends, neighbours, teachers, were dangerous and not to be trusted. The only way I could stay safe was to be alone and not let anyone else into my life. It’s a very fucked up way to live for a child.

As an adult, whenever I’m upset or hurt or feel threatened, I still isolate myself. I go to my room, crawl under my covers, and don’t talk to anybody until I feel better.