Did you tell them?

I’ve asked my husband multiple times recently if he’s asexual. Admittedly, when I asked, I didn’t think he was. In retrospect, it was because I didn’t truly understand what asexuality meant and I kept finding reasons that asexuality (in my limited and incorrect understanding of it) wasn’t applicable to him and his behavior.

He’s said no when I ask him (Admittedly, I think his own understanding of asexuality was lacking same as mine).

To try and understand his experience more, I asked him if he ever just saw someone really sexy walking around at the gym that he wanted to have sex with. He said, no that never happens.

(On one hand, I’m really happy he’s not checking out other people at the gym, but this is a foreign concept to me!)

After reading more about asexuality, it’s incredibly fitting for everything he’s told me, point blank about how he operates:

He never thinks about sex He doesn’t see people and ever think about sleeping with them(!!!) He starts masturbating and will quit halfway through because he gets bored He’s just as happy holding my hand, and even more happy just sitting and watching TV He avoids sex scenes when we watch shows He thinks that most people don’t think about sex that often He thinks most couples don’t have sex

I know he feels weird for not being the same as “others”.

We’ve been having issues. This incompatibility is huge. We’ve been trying to work through things and nothing is working. I’m beginning to accept and understand that he can’t change this any more than I can change that I’m allosexual.

I’m less concerned about assigning him a label and more hoping to give him context that it’s okay and alright what he’s feeling (which I’m doing regardless under the guise of him being low libido) and that there are lots of people like him out there that can relate to him.

And also, because I feel like it’s an important understanding for where we are sitting right now with our intimacy issues.

If you heard your spouse say “I don’t experience sexual attraction, but I’m not asexual” would you have the “that’s what being asexual means” conversation? Or leave it?

I don’t want to force a label on someone, but I literally just keep looking at him like, “I know a secret about you that you don’t know yourself.” Would it be helpful to give it a name? Show him there’s a community? Talk about our intimacy problems with full understanding of why they exist?

I feel a little selfish. I know part of the reason I want him to know is because it gives a huge amount of context to how and why I’m struggling in our marriage right now. I love him to the end of the earth, I’m not sure what the best thing to do is.