Hi, I'm not asexual, but I am demi. Soooo we have asexuality, aromantic....but like, I personally never felt close to any of my platonic friends. I've gone through so many friends over the years, and not even necessarily because they did anything wrong. I tend to distance from people I don't feel any romantic or sexual connection with. I hear from multiple queer/ace spec people that this is unhealthy, that romance and sex isn't better than platonic friends and that prioritizing romance and sexual connection over platonic connections is desperation, devaluing, co-dependent and that I must be broken/mentally ill for wanting a romantic/sexual connection over a platonic one. I haven't met anyone else who feels this way either, so it's hard to know if I am actually broken, or if this is OK.

This isn't to say I am terrible at making friends, or keeping friends or don't like the concept of having a close friend, I realize I am not an island and without platonic friends, I'd be in a world of shit when it comes to functioning within society....but when you put it like that, it sounds like I am using my friends, and I don't like that and I don't know how to cope with that because I don't want to use people for anything. I'm in no shape to be 100% independent of platonic friendships, both mentally and physically. It's not like I don't care about my "friends" either, I just after 30 years of having them, can't feel as close to them as they feel with their friends or with me, I don't feel the need to do typical friend stuff with any of them, every time I hang out with them I'm bored most of the time because I like doing my own thing more, sometimes hanging out with friends feels like a chore more than a mutually enjoyed activity. I feel bad for saying that, but that's what it feels like. I've had friends from all walks of life - rich, poor, queer, not queer, older, younger, friends who are interested in the same activities as me and still?...I feel hardly anything resembling friendship, but if I develop a crush on someone? Then all I can do is think about them and I always want to be around them until they either reject me romantically (of course that can't ever happen because I don't dare flirt with people lol) or until I discover something about them that I really dislike and then the crush instantly goes away and I most likely won't even be friends with that person anymore after that happens. It's fucked up, I know.