I'm 30 (F) with boyfriend 25 (M). We are in a long distance relationship of 1 year, 6 months. He is on the asexual spectrum, and I am not, quite the opposite actually, I need that intimacy and emotional connection from the person I'm with, along with the physical good feeling that comes with it. For context he doesn't feel sexually attracted to anyone. But he's not opposed to doing things if asked (with it being long distance, those options are limited, but I'm ok with what we make do with) but he says he doesn't have a want or need to do those things on his own. We did things a couple times every other week or so whether it was mutual, or just him doing things for me and I was content with it. I also should state that since we are a LDR couple we both agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we would always do things together since we can't physically be together. Well, besides keeping our agreement of not doing things without the other person, recently that mindset for him about everything else has either changed or wasn't originally genuine to begin with, because now we go weeks without doing anything, and he turns me down when I ask 99% of the time. He used to be very open to even just pleasing me and not having to join in because he said he got much satisfaction out of just knowing he was making me feel good and taking care of my needs. That has also stopped being an option even when I ask because 'he's not in the mood' or 'doesn't feel like it'.

Decided to have a talk with him about this a couple of days ago because while it's not a need or a want for him, it very much is for me. Found out that he has urges to do things very frequently, but only with the mindset of "why not, I could use the dopamine" and not in a way to want me to join in or connect with me in that way. He doesn't act on those urges though because he says as soon as he thinks about it, he realizes that I would of course want to join in (we barely do anything of course I want to!) and then thinks about how much of an 'event' doing things would take; getting me in the mood, warming me up first so I can participate ( can't start the engine if it's not oiled up you know) and then hes not in the mood anymore because all of that is a hassle and too much work, when he just wants to do it and get it over with. Because I just wanna be able to do something, anything, akin to what we used to do and have some type of connection and I get to be somewhat physically satisfied, I agreed that we could skip all the warming up and just get to it and get it over with when he has the urge to do it just for the dopamine because it's better than going weeks or months with nothing at all.

Needless to say, even with my "eagerness" to do it in his way, I've felt very sad and upset about it. To the point that ever since I talked to him about it any time I think about the situation I'm in tears. It hurts to know that if we start doing things again its not gonna be "with" each other, it'll be more like were just side by side doing our own things to get off and that's it. No connection, no feeling good because the other person is actively making you feel that way, etc. He even said one time that hearing me doesn't do anything for him, it just makes it take less time for him to finish and that's it. It's miserable and I don't know what to do or think about it because I love him and this mentally and physically distresses me and I don't know if what im doing is right, or if there is a better compromise, or if this is even worth trying to 'fix' to where we both get what we want.

TL;DR: Ace boyfriend changed his initial mindset on intimacy and just wants it for the dopamine now, while I still want both the physical and emotional gratification from it, and I am unsure what to do.