Maybe you guys can help. For context, I'm (33M) neurodivergent (autism, ADHD, anxiety, ODC), and I've had trouble connecting with people throughout my life.

From the bullying to the rejection, by the time I graduated high school, I simply resolved myself to being alone. For a decade, I didn't make so much as one friend and the only friend I did have got married and started his own life.

When I was about to turn 30, I started questioning my identity. "Why am I still a virgin?" "What is my orientation?" "How would I know if I haven't even tried?" I opened up to the idea of having friends and/or relationships. Life is more interesting when you have people to share it with.

Well, after years of searching online, and finding a few people to experiment with, I'm still unsure.

I found out that while I do enjoy masturbating, it's something that I can just ignore, so I stopped doing that and stopped watching porn with no noticeable effect. I've done sexual things with other people, and have mostly enjoyed those experiences, though no penetration. From what I can tell, I'm pretty good at roleplaying, but it feels like I do it from an "intellectual" place as opposed to a sexual one.

I do find some people more attractive than others, but looking at nudes doesn't "turn me on" like it does with others. Generally, I want to have sex, but it feels almost as if the only reason I'm so eager is because of the novelty of it as opposed to satisfying some sort of "urge".

Two of the people that I experimented with multiple times have since become good friends, although we're not sexually intimate anymore. The rest of the people, I only met once and stopped talking with them.

When it comes to sex/intimacy, I feel more like a "giver"- I want to provide cuddles, pleasure, or whatever else they want, but I'm happy with whatever they like to do to me. Also, I'm not sure if it matters, but I'm okay with doing things with transmen as long as they're not super masculine.

I'm sorry this got so long, but I just wanted to include as much info as I could that might help. I don't want to claim an identity that I shouldn't be associated with. I just want a better way to describe myself to others. I don't know if I'm ace, or demi, or if I'm just so used to not having companionship, I can live w/o touch or sex or whatever. I would like to explore as much as possible, but it's very difficult as an older cis\het man (and rightfully so; I've heard of terrible experiences with other men); most people can't understand how I can want to explore, but be so restrained at the same time. I'm saving penetrative sex for specific circumstances. However, most people think I'm being ridiculous and insist that I pay a sex worker or find someone to hook up with and I just don't want to do that!

I'm pretty sure I'd like to have sex. I like it when other people want to have sex with me. I don't need it. Sometimes people tell me I'm gonna be alone forever and I'm like "so?" They can't understand how I can want to have sex without actually needing it. Am I on the ace spectrum?