So I'm writing this after writing the rest of my post, to start by saying I'm not sure if this is something I'm allowed to post. It started as seeking advice and ended as a semi rant which is why I tagged it this way. Mods please just let me know of any of this is out of line, I also want to offer a warning to anyone sex repulsed because I go into my sexual history here because I think it's relevant to my dilemma.

I'm not sure if I'm ace or if I've just only had bad or uncomfortable sex. I don't feel like I have a sex drive often if ever and I don't usually think of my attraction to people in terms on sex. However I think I'm pretty sure I used to at some point and it was only after having sex with a few individuals that I realized I didn't enjoy it. The realization I was ace was the last straw in my previous relationship. I've been single for about a year now and I'm having doubts in if that's really how I feel. Like have I maybe just had bad or uncomfortable sex my whole life and its turned me off to the idea? My first time was with a girlfriend and it was both our first experience so it was awkward as all hell. I don't know how detailed to get but I can count the number of times I've had an orgasm from sex on one hand. After we broke up I had a couple one night stands and those weren't fun either, I didn't enjoy not having a strong bond built with those persons. So I got into another relationship and it seemed to start well, I was very open at the start that I wanted to find a partner who openly communicates what they want. When we first talked about it we seemed to be on the same page, wanting a very balanced sex life with open communication and flexibility. Quickly I learned we were very different, for a guy I'm not a sub but I'm definitely not a dom in anyway shape or form, it's very uncomfortable for me but that's all the dynamic ever was. She wanted me very dominant and very aggressive and that was the only option, she was never open to even trying to change up the dynamic. The few times she would it was her way or nothing. I got no input if I didn't like something she'd keep trying it, if I wanted something done she just wouldn't do it, or wouldn't listen to me idk which one. My enthusiam pittered out pretty quickly. In the 2 1/2 years we were together for most of it I wasn't interested in having sex but she left initiation entirely up to me, except for when she got drunk. Then it was "I'm horny I want it now and I don't give a shit what you feel." I wouldn't want to have sex while she's completely wasted but she'd force it. She was taller than me she would just force me into her until she was satisfied then pass out. This happened numorous times and when I'd bring it up all of a sudden its "Oh my god that's so awful I'm so sorry, I'm horrible, I'll never do it again, I'm going sober now." Only to be found with a half drunk bottle of rum later that same day. She eventually came to me oh so concerned that I didn't seem to desire her anymore, I never initiate sex anymore it's only when she's drunk. And I told her yeah because I have no desire, I truly didn't enjoy the thought of having sex with anyone at all. I around the same time started talking to an ace friend about these feelings and the experiences they'd had and the identity seemed to make sense to me. Now I don't know if it's just my brain fixating on something or if I really am unsure of my sexuality. The more I think about it the more I realize I've never had a partner who let me feel safe and comfortable in the moments which now has me feeling like my whole understanding of myself is backwards and I really don't know how to reconcile it. How do I even go about figuring this out? I would feel so wrong getting super emotionally close to someone just to have sex and realize I really don't like it and I've wasted their time. I'm 26 I'm not getting younger. But when I think of a future relationship with a partner it's a long process. I want to really take the time to build up a relationship with someone. I want to take the time to know that personality wise we really do connect, I want to actually trust the person and actually feel like they give a shit about my well being on some level before even considering a romantic option, and then after all of that the sex part would still be a mystery to me because I wouldn't be ready to open up in that way until that point. It just feels so freaking complicated. A year ago I thought I mostly had it figured out and now I feel more lost now than I did then and I truly don't know where to even start. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post beyond just putting it out there for someone to see.