Okay so I know I feel romantic attraction but only once I’ve known someone for a while I can’t just start dating someone and develop feelings later I need that connection with them then to develop chemistry and romantic feelings then start dating once I’m sure (Demiromantic) but when I’m dating someone I’ll go through periods where I find the idea of being romantic or cuddling or anything kinda gross (aroflux) I also don’t experience getting a crush very often, I do experience squishes, where I just really wanna be someone’s friend

But with sexual attraction it’s confusing, I don’t feel conventional sexual attraction, I can’t look at someone and say “I would fuck them” I don’t understand the phrase “that person is hot” I thought it just ment the person looks aesthetically appealing, or that they’re cool and you wanna get to know them, I also find sex is not very important in relationships and most of the time sex is unappealing (asexual)

but the problem comes from when I experience libido (I get it around once a month in turn with my hormone cycle) I find the feeling scary it’s like I have a completely different personality, usually even with this I don’t really want my SO specifically i just want sexual interaction with no strings attached I don’t want the expectation that I’ll do it again nor do I want to remember it happened after the fact I just want to do it and get over it, which is why I often choose to satisfy myself and try to pretend it didn’t happen, that I didn’t want my SO there, that I wasn’t craving anything, because it makes me not trust myself, it makes me feel out of control…. I think part of this has to do with the fact one time I was on a med combination that was making me manic, and constantly craving sexual interaction, and so now any feelings of sexual arousal make me nervous , this makes me confused about my asexuality but then I remind myself it’s lack of sexual attraction not lack of libido and you can have libido without attraction

Occasionally I will find myself finding my SO sexually attractive but I need to really really trust them and that usually takes at least a year, and I also need myself to be in the mood, I usually just consider this demisexual but idk