We are seeking a fun, single, bisexual female (yes, a “Unicorn”), or a fun couple with a straight male and a bisexual female (like us!).

[If this ad can be seen, we’re still looking.]

• If you’re a single male, move along.
• If you’re just looking for a one-time fuck, move along.
• If you’re incapable of reading or unwilling to read a long post, move along.

If you’ve made is this far, you’re still in the running.

WARNING: This is long. Read on at your own peril!

Hi, and welcome to our new ad for 2020 and beyond. If you’re reading this, you might be interested in hooking up with us, and that’s great!

Unicorns: You have a choice. Choose wisely.

Couples: You have a choice. Choose wisely.

This is not our first rodeo. The wife and I have been having great sex with each other since we were teenagers, and we’ve shared that sex – on and off – with a small handful of wonderful folks over the years. We do not consider ourselves ”swingers” in the traditional sense. [Swingers go to meetings, hang out in clubs, and troll in the same incestuous shallow pools as other swingers.] We just like to meet a new friend, find out what we have in common, lock ourselves in a hotel room for a weekend with them, and then figure out when we can all do it again.

About us, and what we’re looking for:

We’re both 50, the big five-oh. We both play and act a little young, but I also suppose that’s what a lot of other old people say. We have adult children and young parents. As a consequence of this, you should be older than our oldest children, and younger than our young parents.

We both have imperfect bodies. Both of us used to be much fatter, and we’re still…chubby…I suppose is the most flattering word. We’re tall and carry our weight well, but we both shop off the rack in sensible sizes. If you desire someone skinny or toned, or…not fat…then we’re not the couple for you. You, however, can be mostly any size or shape that you’d like. We’re both taller, and white, and professionals. He meets the rule of (at least) 6’s, and she’s 5’9. You can be short, tall, lean, thick, round…whatever…just as long as you’re happy and healthy enough for acrobatic maneuvers in the bedroom or in the shower of a Vegas hotel room.

We live in the Ahwatukee foothills, but prefer to travel to neutral locations, like those aforementioned casino hotel rooms. For the right person (or persons), we’re willing to travel a bit, but only because we’re interested in a marathon, not a sprint.

We’re not interested in drugs – except for the very few ones we are interested in. [We’re hippies in disguise.] We’re both legal state MMJ card holders, and while we think it makes for fun sex, it’s not a requirement, especially when we’re still getting to know you. We’re 100% not interested in you “going fast,” and we sure don’t want to meet your friend Tina. If you want to tweak the weekend away, I’m sure there’s another couple somewhere waiting for you.

We’re both in good health, and are clean. She is surgically safe (and 50) but he is still working with live ammunition. Neither of us have EVER had anything more transmittable than a common cold, and we’d like to keep it that way. Condoms are required for penetration on anything short-term or non-exclusive. [If we’re just “dating,” we’re going to be extra safe.]

He has a trim beard and a normal human amount of hair. [Not quite “hairy,” but certainly not “hairless.] We both shave, trim, or wax our naughty bits. Your particular style of grooming is unimportant to us, as long as you’re clean and healthy.

We’re both MORE than a little bit kinky and you should be too. We’ve got a rolling suitcase of toys, machines, restraints, and all sorts of other apparatus that buzzes or zaps or wiggles or squeezes or sucks. We’re looking to have the sort of sex where everyone’s involved and open and free and having the licking, sucking, and fucking times of their lives – or at least weekend. If you’re not looking to have a minimum of four hands and two mouths on you for starters, you’re in the wrong king size hotel bed with the wrong people!

We don’t kink shame. If you’re into something safe, sane, and weird - there’s a chance we’ll help, and there’s no chance we’ll shame you for it.

At this point, you’re probably saying: “HEY! If you’re so star-spangled awesome, why are you looking for someone?!?*

Shouldn’t we already have an awesome special friend who loves to spend weekends in a strange hotel room having crazy sex? Well, you’re right that we should – and we did have such a wonderful friend – but time marches on, and eventually all relationships end. She found love (as opposed to sex), and we’re happy for her. Her loss is your gain!

“OK! You sold me! Now what?!?” Drop us a line! We’d love to meet you for chips and salsa and a drink, or chat over tapas, or stand around awkwardly in a casino while you decide if you’re brave enough to talk to us once you’ve spotted us. Take a chance. We’re worth it.

We will gladly send an unblurred photo link to genuinely interested parties who ask. The photos there will be real, recent, and unedited. It'll show our smiling faces and our clothed bodies. If we "hit it off," we've got more fun photos. [Or you can find one or two dirty photos in our post history, internet sleuths.]