Hi friends. I'm new to this community but you all seem like really helpful and knowledgeable people so I hope someone might have some thoughts to offer.

I have an anxious/preoccupied attachment style. A few months ago I went through a pretty difficult breakup with a partner who I think was avoidant, although more importantly he was also verbally/emotionally abusive and could not manage his anger. For various reasons both the relationship and the breakup were quite damaging for me and I've been doing a lot of self-work, including working on my boundaries, putting a lot of thought into my attachment style, and trying really hard to be mindful of my tendencies towards eg needing reassurance. (I can't afford therapy right now.)

I have been seeing a new person lately. They recently moved to my area but we have been talking for the last 2-3 months and seemed to have developed a real connection, with lots of chemistry. I was feeling hopeful. We had a first in-person date a few weeks ago and a second date a few days ago. I thought both dates went well, although on the second one we both talked a bit more about stuff like relationship history etc, and I was in a more anxious mood in general due to unrelated life stuff (did my best not to let that leak out, but I was definitely less relaxed than I might have been otherwise, and I am aware that when I'm anxious in general it can come out as stuff like not being able to decide what I feel like eating).

The day after the second date, they sent me a long voice note that has sent me spiralling a bit. They've put it really kindly, and communicated how it's about their own stuff, and made the point that they want to take this slower so we have a better chance of building something real, but they've basically asked to turn the dial down a little bit, said the whole thing is a bit intense and could I bring less enthusiasm/energy to the whole situation. They've also repeatedly made it clear that it takes them a long time to develop romantic feelings. (They did also say that they do like me and want to keep seeing me.)

On paper, rationally, I know they've done something really kind, honest, and healthily boundaried. They've made the point that both of us went through difficult breakups not long ago and that we could leap into this with a lot of enthusiasm and then crash, or we could take things slower and build something more "sustainable". And again, rationally I know this is true. I have leapt too quickly into relationships before, based on the rush of dopamine and good feelings that come with new situations (as well as the "finally someone wants me" feelings), and I've made some horrible decisions as a result.

BUT! my brain is a proper asshole and has absolutely taken this as a massive rejection, a sign that I'm a pretty awful person not worth loving/caring about, etc. As we all know, anxious/preoccupied often means having high esteem for others and low for yourself, which is very much what I'm feeling here. That I'm not worthy of anyone. To note: I also have ADHD which comes with a delicious side helping of rejection sensitivity. I feel myself wanting to reach out to ask for reassurance and to find out what I can offer them to "make them want me", which is the opposite of what this person has asked for. (I haven't, I've kept a relatively low level of contact, as requested, and responded to their points.)

Anyway, sorry, that's a lot of context! I guess the question I am asking is, how do I manage my feelings here? How do I remain open to seeing this person, while being my authentic self and simultaneously not overwhelming them? (I really like them, and want them in my life.) What are some good ways to manage and distract myself? ARGH I am not even sure what I'm asking here!

Thoughts? And thank you for reading, if you did.