I definitely have an anxious attachment style. Even so far as being confirmed by my therapist. I’m not sure if this has happened to anyone else, but I’m absolutely shocked by how my relationship has changed.

At the beginning, I thought we were polar opposites. I always thought he never cared much about our relationship, seeing me, time together, intimacy etc. We fought a lot, and could be downright nasty to each other. I spent the better part of a year believing that our relationship had an inevitable expiration date.

I got into therapy a couple of months ago. My therapist is absolutely amazing and has helped me so much. She introduced me to the book Attached, where I discovered that my boyfriend is actually a secure type, when I thought for sure he was avoidant. The underlying issue turned out to be… ME! Not 100%, I’m not saying he’s blameless. The more I looked at myself and my behavior though, I could not deny the storm I was causing between us.

I started sharing stuff with him. Things I was learning in therapy and about different relationship types. I started becoming more patient, less reactive to irrational emotions like anger, jealousy, and just accepting my insecurities as my own problems, not his problems.

One day he came to me and he said, “I want to do better. I can see everything you’re doing for us, and I want to do the same. You deserve so much love, and you deserve a good man. I love you, and I want to be that man for you. I want to give you everything you could ever want. You mean the world to me and I want you with me always. I never want to lose you, especially over stupid fights.”

Once I relaxed, started caring for myself, he pulled me in closer. He has no fear of intimacy like I once thought. He doesn’t push me away like I convinced myself he does. He shows affection constantly now, and always wants to spend time with me. He holds me, tells me how amazing I am, and has been bugging me to move in with him. He wants to do everything I’ve ever wanted, and all I had to do was accept that this man loves me, and give him the grace of being his own person.

My advice to other anxious types: stop sweating the small stuff. Find ways to cope with your anger, resentment, fear, and jealousy. Once you start to heal, you may realize your avoidant isn’t actually avoidant. You’re just pushing away a great catch.

(I feel the necessity to add this disclaimer: I’m in no way advocating to succumb to avoidants in hopes that they react like my boyfriend did. He’s not an avoidant, so I can’t possibly know how that dynamic feels. I just thought I was with one but it turns out I’m not.)