I’m reading The Power of Attachment and in it, the author talks about the range of resiliency. For those not familiar, the concept is that we have places that we feel comfortable where we are “riding on waves” and don’t deal with as much disregulation.

For me, a lot of comfort in relationships has come from my partner being excessively needy. It makes me feel wanted and like they care and won’t leave. Unsurprisingly, this hasn’t worked out well. As a result, I haven’t had partners who value me for who I am, but rather how much comfort I can give them, or how much of their emotional weight I can carry for them.

I’m curious if people might have some suggestions on how you expand these zones of comfort.

I want to be comfortable not being needed, but wanted…. I would like to move forward in my relationships with less ambivalence (I relate to disorganized ambivalent attachment as well as anxious attachment). I want to a find partnership that is truly interconnected and where I can nurture my partner but also be nurtured myself…

To find that, I believe I really need to work on these attachment issues, and expanding my comfort zone around potential partners who are more self-sufficient.

I’d love to hear any success stories or thoughts around that.