I (F AP, possibly FA but definitely leaning AP) have found myself in a situationship with an FA (M).

A year ago (traumaversary coming up in 2 days, yay) my DA ex blindsided me after a committed 7y relationship (living together, bought a house together etc). I'm currently fine with the relationship ending and don't want my ex anymore, but the idea that someone could do this to me after 7y without valid reason has left me very scared of "being forgetable" and very much on guard.

The FA I'm currently seeing is the first thing that's sort of progressing dating-wise over the span of the last year. We've been seeing each other for a little over a month. It has been super non-committal and unclear from the start and we agreed on still seeing other people. I was still willing to explore where this goes, partly because I have no clue anymore about how a "healthy relationship" starts / progresses or what kind of relationship I want (my exes were overly sure about me from the start and in hindsight it wasn't healthy and I wasn't happy in the "committed" monogameous relationship I had) and also because I felt that even if this is temporary, it could be a good chance to deal with my anxiety (during that first vetting period, in which there never is real clarity), figure out my needs, practice direct communication etc, while still being able to date other people. I notice him trying to figure out what he wants relating to relationships a lot, he seems sort of self-reflective and communicative about his avoidant tendencies (from saying he's feeling distant during certain conversations, to him explaining why it took him longer to respond etc) and he has also indicated he wouldn't leave in a similar way as my ex did (my ex was open about having done this to other people, but was good at making it seem "justified"), which is why I'm willing to give this guy a shot and haven't ran for the hills yet.

I'm struggling with a few things and I was wondering whether anyone could share any experiences, or tips, on how to make this as safe as possible for the both of us:

• I haven't been able to get answers on what this thing between us is and I notice that it makes me anxious. I'm not looking for a commitment at this point, but I would want to know that he does value me and I'm not a last minute option / someone in the rotation / ... I've tried to speak about it with him, but I didn't get any clarifications yet. I want to address it in a non-threatening way since I have noticed him deactivating (and thus being less receptive) when I brought up certain topics. We don't speak the same language which doesn't help in clarifying things.
• I'm also not sure what I could ask him concerning the feeling valued thing. The frequency of seeing eachother, texting etc is fine, as is the giving this time to figure out what this is, but it's more about reassurance about me being meaningful to him (although I also don't know what that would mean at this point in time, I feel like he doesn't easily say he has feelings etc).
• I want this to be a safe experience for him as well. I notice him being super hypervigilant and people pleasing and it truly breaks my heart. I have brought this topic up a few times when it's happening. He has hinted at a lot of trauma and chaos in his past.
• I feel a small push / pull in the messaging, frequency of seeing eachother etc, and I'm not sure how to respond. He's been super consistent but I notice him being shorter at times, taking slightly longer to respond (with explaining why and often double texting at these moments if I take a while to respond), hinting at meeting up twice a week but then pushing back the date when we try to concretely plan, etc. There have been times when he has been quite direct in saying that he did experience some internal struggle surrounding seeing me. I do want to give him space when needed, but I also feel like the pull back when he pulls back (in the sense of waiting longer to reply when he does etc) could trigger his anxiety (which sounds like such a horrible thing to do consciously).
• And the big one, what are some indications that he's just stringing me along, instead of him being interested but struggling with his internal push / pull? I've been trying to adress this, but his answers have been very general and analytical (e.g. "that sounds horrible, I don't want to treat people like that").

Also some general encouragement and support would be appreciated. I'm feeling quite fragile about the situation. I'm well aware it's far from ideal, and I notice judging myself a lot about being here again.