My anxiety and paranoia are ruining my life. I do not believe any of my relationships with people are genuine. I firmly believe that everyone who is in my life by choice, including my best friends, secretly hate me and are only sticking around because they are afraid I would fall apart with out them. I read into the things my friends say far too much. My bestfriend and roommate got upset today because her Dad cancelled long standing plans. I tried to comfort her and she said she wanted to go to bed. I said let me get food in your belly first and then you can sleep. She agreed said that would be nice and thanked me. I didnt even pick up on the fact I went into my usual fawn responce mode. I became quite and tried to not even clank dishes as not to upset her. Let me clarify she has NEVER and would NEVER be upset by me making cooking noises. I whipped up a quick dinner and made her a plate. She thanked me again and then stopped me and she said I'm upset, but you know I am not upset with you right? you cant make it better or worse because the problem isn't. I didn't notice I was acting different. I am so sick of being so anxious that my friends have to take time out of being upset to reassure me. Its really sweet they do, but it ends up making me panic more because I don't want they're emotional needs overshadowed by my anxiety responce thats not fair. Its not all about me.

I know logically you cant be friends with someone for a decade without them liking you quitw a bit, and yet, I can't help bit feel like I am an inconvince that they either dislike now or will resent soon enough. This overwhelming dread fills me and I long to be alone in the woods where I can't feel this way, because there is no one. No one to disapoint, no one to burden, no one put emotional energy i dont deserve.

Its not just with my best friend, its with every past boyfriend, every friend, even my coworkers and favorite manager.

My anxiety is slowly killing me inside, my medications don't help, and I am exhausted. I guess I have to just keep on trying, even though it takes all the energy I have. I am so sick of it though.

Thanks for letting me vent.