All,

Firstly, I was going to post this on /r/anxietysupporters but that place seems completely dead and I genuinely need some other perspectives here. As a word of warning, I am writing this post as someone whose partner has anxiety. I am trying to be as understanding as I can but I am angry. If you shouldn’t read it, don’t.

My (30s, m) partner (40s, f) has always suffered from serious anxieties, mostly related to working, socializing and other generalized issues. She was on medication for a time but it did very little good- in some ways it made the symptoms worse. I work from home, and I have had to take a few phonecalls where she was just in a private room at her office sobbing, so captive by her own mind that she couldn’t work. She even had to take a month off work late last year because it was so bad. This has lead (at least in part) to her losing at least 1 job in the past, maybe more than 1.

Whilst she is managing to hold down her current job, everything else is in flux. She has spent many weekends almost completely in bed. She either has headaches, stomach aches or all manner of other physical symptoms which are likely to be caused by anxiety. And this isn’t knew – I’ve been dealing with this for 2 years. We moved into this house together in 2020 and there are still boxes of her belongings she hasn’t unpacked. She has literally closets full of clothes she says she can’t wear because she’s put on weight. The house is a cluttered jumble of her possessions she seemingly can’t get up the energy to sell. She hates her body but doesn’t exercise, even though she knows that it helps anxiety. I can’t count the number of times she has said things like “this weekend I’m going to…” but she never does.

I don’t mind being the main breadwinner for the house particularly, though it wasn’t exactly the relationship I envisioned. We are child-free by choice so that’s not a concern. But when she lost her last job, she was exactly the same for a year between mid 2020 and 2021. It wasn’t like since the job was gone, she had energy to do other things and could get the house in order etc. She blames Covid anxiety for this, and depression over losing the job.

Honestly I am losing my empathy – each new headache or stomach pain now just makes me quietly angry. My first thought now isn’t “aww, how can I help” but “oh ffs not again.” I try to be encouraging and every day she manages to get up and do something, I make sure she knows that I appreciate it. She managed to organize and throw out a bag of stuff a month ago and I was so happy that she could get something done, and I told her so. But she’s just…never happy. And every day, I am around someone whose mood and energy are so incredibly draining to my own. There have been weeks when I look forward to going to work as an escape. And this is having such a negative impact on my feelings for her and our relationship.

I don’t blame her for these things, I want to be clear – I know she would not want it to be this way. I am also ADHD so I have my own struggles, and I know she has frustrations around my forgetfulness etc. So I am doing my best not to criticize from on high. But I am angry and resentful, and I feel like I’m now becoming more anxious by proxy. Anyone else experienced this? Did the relationship survive?