CW: sui ideation

I am so crippled by C-PTSD, health anxiety, SAD, depression and agoraphobia I don't even know what to do anymore.

I cant sleep at night because I get hot flashes in my sleep and wake up, and when I wake up my brain is immediately anxiety and I can't sleep, I can't cook myself meals because I'm too pre-occupied with fear and I can't do anything properly because I'm so overwhelmed by being hypervigilant about fainting and my breathing that I cut corners and avoid everything. When I try to be mindful I just feel like something is going to happen. Im too scared to have a birthday party, I'm too scared see or talk to friends or family, I can't even go to the doctors or get a blood test to see if I actually have a health problem that's been causing issues so I might just die. i sont feel like I can remember the last time I really was myself. I keep getting suicidal thoughts because I feel like there's just simply no way to get better because I am so trapped and backed into a corner at this point and I'm wasting my life trying to recover from years and years worth of C-PTSD and all of the comorbid illnesses.

The crazy part of all this is that my partner is still with me, I don't even know what's good about me anymore, I can't leave the house or my room so we never go anywhere together, I spend most of my time having panic attacks, being extremely sleep deprived and being triggered from some sort of health issue I have. I feel so worthless and bad, he helps me so much and I just sit here like a waste of human life while everyone in my life flourishes.

Maybe this is just me crying out because I'm so so tired and can't seem to sleep properly even once this week, I just feel like utter garbage.