1/20/20

Well, this sucks. It hasn’t been an easy past few weeks but tonight, what I feared for so long may just be actually happening. I was watching tv on the couch when my husband walks in the kitchen with an N95 mask on and says, “don’t freak out.” Which isn’t helpful because that’s GONNA make me freak out. He said he was cleaning out his office, found his thermometer, and took his temp for the hell of it. It read 99.3. He said he felt kinda warm as well. But that is it. So I gave him MY thermometer since it may read differently than an ear therm and it had a reading between 99.2-99.5, and then later on in the night 100.3 (he took it a few times). So now we don’t know what is going on, but one thing I DO know is that I am fucking TERRIFIED.

When we leave the apartment, we wear masks. We are careful. Especially ME! But of course, the people who do good and abide by the mask mandates and social distancing and don’t see other people are the ones who get screwed. NOT the ones still living their normal lives, going out to eat, seeing other people. No. They are allllll fine!!! So for one, I am VERY FUCKING MAD. It’s not fair AT ALL. Scrolling on social media THERE ARE PEOPLE TRAVELLING AND PARTYING like there’s no pandemic. AND THEY ARE ALL FINE~!!!! SO WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. Howcome those who try so hard are affected? I fucking stay home, worry myself to death and create a fucking divot on our couch and what happens? Husband may be ill. So this really fucking sucks and I am so fucking angry and upset and scared.

Secondly, I am so god damn scared. Covid manifests differently in everyone! So the fact that this is very unpredictable and we don’t really know what to expect is fucking terrifying. I don’t want to get super sick and have GI symptoms. God no. And obviously I don’t want him to either! I’d be lying if I said I was only scared for him. Obviously I am scared for myself too!!!! This is what I have been CONSTANTLY fearing since the beginning. And the fact that GI symptoms are a part of this virus is what is making me so scared. If it was similar to the flu, I wouldn’t be so fucking scared. But it’s not. It has a whole laundry list of long possible symptoms. God this sucks so much. What will I do? What will he do? How will we handle it? How will I be able to take care of him if I am an anxious mess?????????????????? This is not fucking fair. I will be living in fear until we have a test result when he hopefully goes gets tested tomorrow. Well, I’ll be living in fear until it’s a negative result. Who knows.

We are communicating through texts now. So whenever I get a text from him, I get so scared and nervous to open it up. What will it say next? What scary situation will I be reading? Will I hear him through the walls if he ever gets ill? Of course I will. We live in a tiny fucking apartment that is 0% sound proof. I doubt I will get much sleep. I will be waaaay too nervous. I hope to god it’s not covid and if it is, I hope to god neither of us have it severely. What am I supposed to do????? God please help me. I am so fucking scared. Life is so unfair and I am not happy about anything right now. I’m miserable, scared, terrified, upset, pissed off, etc. Someone please help me get through this. Please. Idk if I will be able to. I’m not strong enough. Physically or mentally.