It’s currently 01:26 and I’m so antsy. I’m supposed to be studying for my test right now. I knew I had a test since last week. I knew that I had to finish my notes so that I could study. And yet I’m so freaking slow! It’s like my brain is a slug or something. I’m aware of what needs to be done but how do I do it? I’m constantly tired and my studies never soak in properly and stay there. I feel like a complete idiot. I just came off a gap year between high school and I just started uni. I have no idea what I’m doing and I feel like I’m just winging it. I want to try so hard but I just can’t. There’s so much going on in my mind but every time an issue comes up my instinct is to build a wall around it and walk away. I really love what I’m studying and I love my courses but it’s just so hard to grasp everything. It’s like a slippery bar of soap or something.

I feel like such a disappointment as the eldest child of 4. I’m supposed to set the example for my siblings but here I am, lying on the floor watching Victorian era history videos. Everyone has their eyes on me now. I’m the one that’ll receive all the questions from relatives asking about school. They’d ask me if I passed my CXC math exam that I rewrote this year. Everyone had such high hopes and I just failed. I wasted my parents money and time. All throughout primary school I’ve failed math. I barely managed a pass my school leaving exam with a 56% for math and 79% in English and somehow I got into one of the top schools in my country when it’s acceptance grades were 85%. Since then the acceptance grades went up to 95% to 100%. My year group made record high scores. People just clump me together with the rest and say “She’s so smart, she went to that rich/fancy private high school”. It’s so tiring. I’m not all that I’m chalked up to be. I did leave high school with 7/8 passes and that’s good but it’s because I sucked myself dry to the point of collapsing and almost ending my life. I was so sick during that time and I lost consciousness way more than I would’ve liked to. It was all so draining. My brother died during my exam period and I had to put on a facade of being strong. I’m not. I’m so fragile. It’s just eating me up.

I’m so tired of being pushed, scolded and criticized for everything I do. As I get older and experience new things that my siblings would later experience I receive the worst end of how my parents deal with whatever it is. Stop pushing me and stop with the underhand insults. Stop putting me up on a pedestal, I could barely keep my balance. When I fall off, everyone’s eyes would be on me. And everyone would just smile and say “It’s okay” but they know that they’re disappointed in me. They’re upset. Sorry I’m not what you want, jeez. Just put all the attention on my younger brother, he’s the natural born academic, all his trophies, certificates and achievements are already on display unlike my three medals.