I feel like I'm suffering from some warped imposter syndrome. I constantly hear the joke that people around me are always broke, but I wonder if it's actually as true and predominant as it seems to be. I feel like the only one who truly lives paycheck to paycheck and it's making me super self-conscious about my spending habits as well as my preparedness for the future.

Admittedly, when I first started working at 16, I went a little haywire with having free access to my paycheck and being able to do whatever I wanted with it. It disappeared quickly. Then once I turned 17 I had to start fending for my own medical expenses, gas, car maintenance and minor repairs, and even groceries. At the time, I also had an SO who I would spend money on. And, the nature of being a teenager entails going out to eat with friends or going to the mall, so money would sometimes be wasted there too. My money was still disappearing but my expenses had gone up and I was only making around $7K a year. In retrospect, I could have done much better with not spending as much on other people, but I've learned that focusing so heavily on my past decision will get me nowhere. I've tried to accept that I was worse with money and I can only improve from here on out.

In college, I work 10 hrs/week at $9.55/hr. So per 2 weeks, I take home about $170 give or take. My current expenses include car insurance ($600/yr - lower because of my dad's job), groceries to supplement a meal plan, medical expenses, gas, car maintenance and small repairs, toiletries, and then personal money for eating out sometimes or buying something for myself.

I fully realize that in actuality I do not make much money. I ask for no help from parents, even in tight situations. My mom can't help and I've just never asked my dad because he raised me to be independent. So even when I'm clearly struggling, I don't tell anyone. Yet I still beat myself up for having only a little over a grand saved up and thinking I am no good with spending. I also have a strange anxious tendency where I will avoid looking at my bank statement for a few days after it comes out because the numbers just make me feel so anxious.

I think I went off on a bit of a ramble here but I guess I would just appreciate some peace of mind that I'm not the only one in such a situation? And that maybe I'm not the only one completely dreading the future right after graduation? Thankfully I don't graduate until spring 2021, but it feels like it's creeping up really quickly and I am terrified I won't have any money saved up for it. I beat myself up all the time over the numbers and I get obsessive over how "bad" I am.