My (35yrs) girlfriend (38yrs) and I met a year ago. She was classy, sexy and very feminine. Everything I was looking for. When we met we talked about the importance of honesty. I explained the kind of guy I am - considerate, understanding, strong, supportive.

As months passed we talked about the importance of being honest and open about things as soon as the time feels right. Very slowly I noticed changes in her personality. Mood swings. Picking at things I said or did. Sometimes she could say things that were quite nasty.

I noticed she saw the negative in people and in life. Very pessimistic. Gradually our conversations revolved around her complaining about something or someone that day or week. Slowly she mentioned things made her feel anxious. Then she mentioned anxiety. During an argument she told me she gets anxiety, has done for 7 years, doctors tried her on many medications, and it’s so bad her frustrations are often expressed as anger. She said she tried therapy but it just made her angry.

My reaction was to be supportive. I read about anxiety (I work in medical research so I have good medical knowledge and understanding of mental health). I’ve experienced depression and previously had PTSD which was successfully treated with CBT.

For a while I told myself her frustrations and time her anxiety boiled over into anger wasn’t personal to me, it wasn’t who she really was, it was the anxiety.

She wants to move in together, have a family and we’ve both talked about our love for eachother. I do love her very very much. She can be so kind. She’s just insecure, fragile and needs love. She hasn’t had much love and affection in her life.

However, things haven’t gotten better. My career is very demanding. Some nights I can spend 2 hours on the phone talking about stuff on her mind, things that are annoying her, making her anxious. If I listen and let her get it off her chest she asks why I’m not talking. If I offer advice she tells me she just wants to talk.

She expends so much energy on negative things. She has no energy for us. A few weeks ago I gave her an ultimatum and asked her to at least try and get help. At least try some talking therapy. She tried to avoid the subject and I wouldn’t let her twist her way out of it so eventually just said ‘no’.

I ended it. She called me, saying sorry, that she’d change. We got back together. Nothing changed.

The relationship is affecting my health. I’ve lost my motivation to do things. I dont have any hobbies any more. I see much less of my friends and family. Life is basically working and helping my gf deal with her anxiety.

My friends tell me its not my job to cure her. Even her family tell me to remember I’m her partner not her therapist. She’s not the person I met. I understand you don’t tell someone about your anxiety as soon as you’ve met. However, the way she concealed it and it slowly leaked out. And then the way she does nothing to help herself. She doesn’t exercise, she doesn’t look after her sleep, her diet is hit and miss. Other things like mindfulness or meditation which are good for anxiety. She refuses to try any of it.

She admits she knows she makes me sad. She knows it’s even affecting my health. I’m naturally a composed, level headed guy. But lately I’m feeling some anxiety. I get red flaky skin when I’m extremely stressed and she’ll look at me and say “I know that’s because of me”. She’ll be sad about it. Then something will happen the day after and she’s back into anxiety mode.

I’m out of options. I don’t know what to do. I’m posting because I thought others with anxiety might have a possible solution. Something I’ve never heard or read about. Otherwise, I think it’s the end for me and her. Which would be so so sad as I still see glimpses of her happiness now and then.

Any help is appreciated.