There's a feeling that I get sometimes. Often it lasts a while, other times it's short. But I can't explain it to myself. So maybe I can explain it to you.

It -- life -- feels dry. It feels like there is an endless need inside my soul to accomplish something that I do not know of. It's an itch inside my heart and my head that I cannot scratch. A burning desire...for something. I don't know what that something is.

This feeling comes out when I am alone. It makes me want to die. But only sometimes. Admitting that it makes me feel like that was hard, but there is really no way to describe it. I guess, turn myself off for a while until it passes, rather than die. I like living -- sometimes.

The question of how is one that I want answered the most. How does this feeling encompass me on some days, yet others I am perfectly fine and happy as can be? How do these thoughts come to fruition? How does it take over my entire body and mind to the point of just laying in bed. How?

I don't know what to do. I feel this feeling now, I don't know how long it will stay this time around. I'm going out to someone's graduation, a "friend". Whom I've treated with nothing less than kindness and receive the complete opposite. I'm going in hopes of shaking this feeling. He's my girlfriends friend too, she insists on going, even though I've told her I hate his guts. She knows he's a "friend" to me, but she's known him longer, and of course he has been friendlier to her since she's a girl. It kinda hurts, irrationally? That she still wants to go even though he treats me like a fly in his house during the summer...swat, swat, swat! Until you finally come down. I try to understand, and I never really do. But I pretend to, because a lie is easier than the truth. It always will be.

It's far away, 45 minutes. I hope we don't stay long, and I hope this feeling doesn't either. But how long the feeling stays seems like it doesn't matter, since it always comes around like a Monday. Is this anxiety? Is this depression? I never know, and do I want to? Yes, I do, but finding out is scary.