Hi guys. As I write this I'm on the verge of tears and in a state of constant dread and sadness. I thought maybe I'd write, just so I won't feel alone and maybe it will help me with how I feel right now.

I've had anxiety since I was 13. I think I've had it my whole life really, but 13 is when it started to consume me more and more. I can trace back to the exact moment.

My dad worked a late night shift at a warehouse. About 25 minutes away from our house. He'd go to work at 2pm and be home at 2am-3am. One night I noticed he hadn't gotten home yet, and it was around the time he was supposed to. He didn't come hold for another two hours, at 4:30am. The entire time, I was losing it, checking my moms phone because he always texted her when he got off. Looking out the window for a card headlights to pop up somewhere, and I'd see our car. I started to cry, my heart was racing. He got home, I was relieved, and I went to bed. But it didn't stop there, it was just the beginning to this battle that I want to end so badly. Every night he didn't come home on time, I was checking the window, checking moms phone. Every single night.

It turned into me worrying about everybody's safety when they went somewhere. Every time one of my parents left, I was anxious if they didn't come back when they said the would or if they didn't answer. I'm still like this today, but I have gotten a little better with it.

I don't know if I have depression. I look up the symptoms and most of them match. Mood swings, fatigue, irritability, anxiety, sadness, lack of concentration...they all just match up. I don't know if that's what this is, or if I just have the worst anxiety of my life right now. I just want an answer.

I'm in college. I don't have the luxury of being able to be just a college student. So I got a job in January. If you see my post history I talk about it in another post. Two days into training, I quit. After day one I was crying all night, had the same dreadful feeling I have now. Well I found a new job. I didn't mention before, but I love photography. My thoughts are everywhere right now, please excuse me for that. My new job, it said it was a photography job. Taking pictures of guests in front of a historical monument before they entered, and greeting them. I thought, "oh wow, this seems great, and I've done something like this before!" (I had an internship at Sony Studios taking pictures of guests in front of a green screen) I got an interview, got the call for the job offer 2 days later. I had my first day yesterday. It's not just taking pictures, it's also manning the photo sales kiosk, handling cash and trying to sell the pictures, being a line greeter, and also a photographer. You can't just do one position, we rotate positions every hour. I didn't think it would be like this, but yesterday after my first day I felt good about it. I thought, it's not so bad. Today, is the complete opposite. I am absolutely dreading it, working that six hour shift. I'm scheduled all weekend. I'm having thoughts of quitting again but I'm out of options, out of money, out of time. I need this job, but every fiber of my just wants to quit and cry. I found another job, it's strictly photography at a studio, and it pays a dollar more. My thoughts right now are maybe I'll apply, and if I get a callback I'll quit this job. But I don't know. That doesn't save me from the weekend.

The combination of school and a job now are just putting me over the edge. I put off my schoolwork because it makes me anxious. I get more anxious when I'm trying to get it done at the last minute. Though I've become quite good at doing that. It doesn't help that every day, I'm extremely lethargic. I don't want to get up, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't see a reason to.

My parents, they care about me. A lot, in fact, and I'm really grateful. But my mom doesn't really now how bad it is, I don't think. I do a good job at hiding it to everyone. She has anxiety too. Every time I try to tell her how bad mine is getting, she'll tell me I need to eat better, and exercise. I can't muster up the courage to say "hey, I think maybe this is more than diet. I don't feel right in my head, mentally. Can we please go to the doctor or therapist?" Did I mention I'm shy? A little anti social. Every time I say something about my anxiety I get the same response.

I've got a girlfriend, she's really beautiful and I love her a lot. We've been together for two years, the most fun I've had in my life. She's great, and when I'm with her it's like it all disappears. I'm not sure why, but who am I to complain that I feel normal for a little. I don't see her as much as I wish I could, and it makes me sad. Whenever I can't see her it's like I'm non existent. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. We have so much fun together. We laugh, cuddle, eat snacks and watch shows on Netflix. We go out a few times too, that's always really fun. She tries to help so much with my anxiety. I appreciate it a lot, but there's only so much she can do. I hope that she understands. It makes her sad that she can't make me happy sometimes, because I can make her happy fairly easily. But when I'm sad, it doesn't feel like it's the way other people are sad. It feels different, it's harder to shake, it cuts deeper, it infects every part of me.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm in bed, I just feel like crying and sleeping. I don't know what to do. I hope someone reads this, or at least some of it. I don't want to feel so alone anymore, when I have so many people around me that care. It makes me feel bad, it weighs me down, it drains me. I don't know what to do. :(