I don’t remember a time where I didn’t suffered from anxiety. It’s been with me since I was little. It affects so much of my life, despite nearly a decade of medication and therapy. I also struggle with ptsd from toxic, violent, and dangerous relationships. Almost all of my relationships have been essentially gaslighting, where my partner said kind things to me and promised to love me, but really wanted something from me. Often times it was sex, and if I didn’t want it, they would take it by force. Other times it was to fill a void that had opened up, or help with school for free.

I started dating someone almost two months ago, and it’s been wonderful. But of course my anxiety and ptsd has to kick in and fuck up what I’ve worked on so hard. I can’t see why they’d want to share part of their life with me, and even though there’s no evidence to back this, I feel like it’s not real, and they just want something from me and will throw me away once they get it. I hate thinking like this, and it’s so exhausting to fight my own brain when it doesn’t want me to just be happy. I want to believe in this relationship so badly, but I’m scared to do it because when I have, it’s always turned around and bit me. We’re taking things slow, but I’m still really scared.

I’m trying not to push them away, but it’s so hard when my brain is attacking me and taking away all the hard work I’ve done to enjoy and appreciate and feel comfortable in my relationship.