i'm doing it tonight

i don't want to, and honestly? i'm scared to...

but i can't continue going. i can't keep listening to my head and pretending that things aren't going to shit. i can't keep being tormented by my thoughts, even if i know those thoughts are unrealistic.

the negativity is beginning to overshadow any semblance of logic or positivity in my mind. it's becoming nothing but a dark fog, one i can't escape from.

i have no one to help me. everyone extends their offers of help to me, claiming to be there, claiming i can talk to them, all that shit, only to never be there when i actually need them. and if they ARE there, they're doing one of three things: a) treating it like a joke, b) not listening to me and telling me to just get over it without even making an effort, or c) trying to force me to believe in a religion i have been openly against believing in and they're fully aware of that.

as far as an actual support system goes, i completely lack it. i can't afford professional help, even tho it couldn't be any more obvious that i DESPERATELY need it. god bless america, am i right?

i keep giving myself these extra chances, pretending like all the whispers of "it gets better one day" have some semblance of believability to them, but the simple truth of the matter is that they don't.

nobody knows, nor understands, what's going on in my head, but it's not like i can tell anybody. they'd just think i'm crazy. so i really only have one option left. it's the most drastic option, and not necessarily the one i wanna choose. but at the end of the day? i no longer have a choice.