I meditate daily, I go for a 15 minute run every morning, I sleep well, I do resistance training every morning. I have a good hygiene routine. I eat relatively well, no added sugar, no caffeine, no drugs or alcohol, have multivitamins and plenty of water. I read positive motivational things every day, I have lists of my achievements and things I am grateful for, I use CBT techniques to overcome my fears, I am working hard towards my career and I try my best to be a good person.

And every fucking second of every fucking day I have a tight chest, jitteryness and a lump in my throat , shortness of breath and have feelings of dread like everything is going to go wrong and I'm going to be attacked.

I don't take medication because I don't think it is good for you in so many other ways but also because of my anxiety I suffer from low libido and erection problems and I know antidepressants very often make it worse or go away completely, sometimes permanently. My marriage will end if that happens. I also can't afford therapy.

I just don't know what more I can do, I know I'm a good person with good habits and I could have a good future ahead of me, but I don't know if I'm just wired incorrectly or I have demons buried so deep inside me that I can't overcome them. But I feel lost and hopeless, I'm not suicidal or even depressed like I used to be as a teenager. I'm just tired and fed up of fighting this for over 20 years and not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel despite my best efforts. I've always continued to hope though.